even though you can scream n shout and rant here, kindly keep it clean without any foul language. Lets have healthy debates n discussions instead of fights!
Recent Village Updates
and sure as heck....eons later a little alert appears...hahaaaaaaaaaa ha
as you say....probably get alert in many months or years from now LOLLl
Ladies, I warn you, this will be lengthy, and I apologize, but if you can read through, I would appreciate your comments/thoughts...I guess I'm left feeling like I know I've done all that I can, but it still feels like I'm doing something wrong... (I also have a totally different issue I will write on separately...that one's much nicer!)
If you've read my status update, you know that things are getting stressful. My ex went to hajj claiming he wanted to go and clean himself for Allah and didn't know when he'd return. Said it could be a few weeks or a few months...he didn't know. He left little money for the kids and took off. I prayed for him, for his sake and the sake of my babes, who need a good father in their lives. I asked multiple times when he'd return, and each time he explained he didn't know, just when he was done. Even when he skyped with the kids from Mecca, I asked him, and he said he didn't know. My poor son believed that Mecca was keeping his daddy. It was a huge feat to have him LOVE Eid, because he didn't want to celebrate the thing that took his dad away.
I discovered 2 weeks ago that he had a return reservation for the 22nd, which he made before he left. I never let on, and he continued to claim he didn't have an idea of when he would or could get a flight back. The afternoon of the 22nd he texts me from someone's cell in London that he "found" a flight and was on his way back, could we meet him at the airport in the evening. I had made the promise when he left that we would plan to welcome him home because I would not allow the kids to watch him walk off onto a plane when he started his journey when he couldn't tell them when he'd be back. Anyway, reluctantly, I had the kids greet him to welcome him home. We stayed maybe an hour and then parted ways.
Wednesday afternoon, he texts to have dinner with the kids. Now, I hadn't prepared for Thanksgiving at all, so I said no (which is still not an easy thing for me to do). He has court ordered visitation every other weekend, and this was his weekend. So, I offered that he could spend the entire day on Friday with them instead of just Friday evening - Sunday.
His response was that I was keeping him from his kids and that Allah sees all that I'm doing and why am I using my kids against him???
Thursday morning I offered for him to have breakfast with the kids....no response...I offered again for him to spend all day on Friday with them....no response....The kids waited for 40 minutes at the court exchange location...he was a no show.
I couldn't believe at all that he wouldn't even show up to take the kids for their weekend. My son was soooo sad. He told me Mecca must have taken him back! I drove by his house later on and he was there. I texted, e-mailed, called...no response....now I don't care for myself...but for my babes...I certainly do.
Suddenly, around 3pm yesterday (Sunday) he asks if he can see the kids for dinner to give them their gifts from Mecca. I told him he could see them on the next court appointed weekend. I asked multiple times where he was and why didn't pick up the kids...no response. Only that I am keeping him from his kids and that Allah sees all that I'm doing and why am I trying to put the kids between us...blah blah blah.
I am utterly confused at how someone can act like this and I'm not placing judgment nor asking for it...What I am asking is, does it seem like I'm being unfair in any way? I feel justified in not allowing him to see the kids until his next court ordered time because I can't trust his motives and I'm certainly not willing to let the kids be the first to know what he's up to...we've been down the road of emotional control before. But perhaps I'm over reacting!? I feel like I gave him enough chances, but did I?
It's rediculous how we can make ourselves go crazy just by the simplest of things...I believe it should be black and white...but what's best for the kids...I sometimes wonder if I do what's right for them...
Anyway, jazak Allah if you've made it this far.
Do not doubt yourself...you are doing right....keep the faith....you are keeping the childrens best interest at heart,but also as you are the main 24by7 carer /guardian ..yess you doo need to work out what is best , how and when whilst of course 'within reason ' complying to court rules etc.
hpy ..been there....you need to quite rightly protect the kids from the emotional turmoil, uncertainty.....Allah(swt) knows best other peoples neeyut /intention .....we can only endeavour to do what our hearts etc tell.....
Unfortunately....this unecessary using of children by some so called fathers, is sooo common.....you need to stick to your base tooo..as you can best judge and protect childrens, emotional health tooo ..which undoubtedly eventually affects physical too....
You are being more than reasonable.....but you have to retain/enforce some control..and yes Allah(swt) is watching and knows all...say that to your x....yup Allah (swt) surely is
keep a record /proof of any communication you send with your offers/compromises , dates etc too....you will need them all at some point...
keep your composure (as hard as that can become at times)..you are grounded MashAllah..but the best of us crumble etc under this incessant and unnecessary blackmail especially when innocent children are being used as the tools...
sorry i got to rush....so much going on my end too...
allah(swt) guide and protect you and the kids. Ameen
Hang in there...and NO you are not wrong.
Salaam ladies...now for the lighter of the issues...
I wrote a JE recently explaining how I'd encountered someone who could EASILY fit the bill of being The One! Well, the guy happens to be an Imam, and very popular. I am in no way involved in his community and don't know anyone in it. I don't have a person who could speak for me on my behalf...so I wrote him an e-mail. And, you can see (I hope) how open I am, so I was honest with the brother.
I have never approached a man in my life, much less as a Muslimiya. I have no clue how this is supposed to work...and now, I'm afraid I crossed some line of courtship into a big "no-no". Despite what becomes of this situation, what is a girl supposed to do? I mean, I can't imagine putting myself out on the line like that again, ever....how nerve racking!!! Poor men! But what is the appropriate way of expressing interest if you're on your own? And is it taboo to seek an Imam?
Thanks in advance ladies!
willl come back later , maybe , once i had my cup of tea and re-charged myself :D
Why is it that when you are nice to a man you are leading him on, but when you stand up for yourself or are simply cordial you are cold/controlling!? I've allowed my ex more intermittent visits with the kids because he stopped being manipulative and abusive and I want them to have an actual relationship. When I had to leave for our safety, and deal with him through the courts, everyone told me I was doing the right thing (which I believe) and yet I was labeled manipulative and controlling.
Through Ramadan, things have cooled down, he's gone back to prayer, and stopped harrassing and mentally abusing us all. He's preparing for hajj...and the kids miss him. So, I prayed and prayed and realized: what would Muhammad (PBUH) do!? He would forgive and place trust in Allah (SWT). So I've acted with him in peace since this realization and most things have cooled off completely...but now I'm being told that I'm leading him on (not by him...he has finally agreed to not contest divorce - hamdullilah - but despite my firm and constant iterations that our interactions are solely for the benefit of the kids, he now believes we'll get back together, even if we divorce). Why are men so darned ....whatever the word is!?