Temur

Two children found a bag containing twelve marbles. They argued over how to divide the toys and finally went to see the Mulla. When asked to settle their disagreement, the Mulla asked whether the children wanted him to divide the marbles as a human would or as Allah would.
The children replied, "We want it to be fair. Divide the marbles as Allah would." So, the Mulla counted out the marbles and gave three to one child and nine to the other."

Temur

Nasrudin ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering Nasrudin and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked Nasrudin, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered Nasrudin, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Nonsense!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, Sir."

Temur

Mullah Nasruddin frequented a local hamam which had a large dome with an acoustic very flattering to the voice, and he would often spend long hours singing in the bath, delighting in the sound of his own voice.
When one day, Mullah Nasruddin had no muezzin to call the faithful to prayer, he decided that he was a sufficiently good singer to take on this sacred duty.
By that day?s second call to prayer, the faithful gathered under the minaret and began to shout Nasruddin down for the terrible noise he made.
?Don?t blame me for the din, replied the Mullah, they didn?t install a bathroom up here yet!?

Temur

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!? said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"

Temur

The Israeli Prime Minister is sitting down with Yasser Arafat to try to work out an agreement.

The Prime Minister asks if he might first tell a story. Arafat tells him to go ahead.

"When Moses was in the desert for forty years the Jews got very thirsty and Moses asked the Lord for water and there appeared a beautiful lake. The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same but when he came out of the water his clothes were gone."

Moses shouted, "Where are my clothes? Who took them??"

The Jews answered, 'The Palestinians took them.'

Arafat quickly objected, "There were no Palestinians at that time!"

The Prime Minister looked at Arafat and said, "Now we can begin to negotiate."

Temur

Angering the Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Temur

One day Sardarji goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.'
The doctor says 'OK. Touch your elbow.'
The Sardarji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, says 'Touch your head.'
The Sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Everywhere the Sardar touches it hurts like hell.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with x-rays, etc. and tells the Sardar to come back in two days.
Two days later the Sardar comes back and the doctor says; 'We've found your problem.'
Sardarji: 'Oh yeah? What is it?'
Doctor: 'You've broken your finger!'

Temur

Sardar's girlfriend removed all her dress and said

"treat me like ur wife"

sardar collected all dress and started washing

Temur

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible

looking thing is

what you call modern art ?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

Temur

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Temur

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Temur

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"