By Ragheed Moghrabi for Aramica Newspaper



I have lived half of my 34 years in this country and thought I had "seen it all" when it comes to the opposite sex's behavior, but the last four years I have spent in New York have been most instructive. When it comes to our tribe's women who were born in the Old Country I have found many to be friendly, albeit a tad guarded, but always polite. The AAP (Arab-American Princess) on the other hand has, at any stage of a relationship, been cold, withdrawn, and almost seeming to do you a favor by even talking to you. It is this group of girls - I hesitate to use the word women - on whom I would like to focus...>..>



The Princess The Princess was most likely born in the US and there is nothing really spectacular about her. She is of average looks and probably holds a bachelor's degree from a good area school. Ice permeates her insides; she expects things to happen for her as if she were the only planet in the solar system and the sun actually revolved around her. This person is not especially cruel and probably does not mean to be unavailable, uncommunicative, or nasty from time to time. In effect, she is a product of her environment. She is trapped between two cultures: that of her parents and that of her country - America. This individual seeks to please her parents by hanging out with Arabs and Arab-Americans while trying to "live" a normal life filled with all the freedoms in which she sees her non- Arab friends partake. At the end of the day, she is disappointing herself by being tied down with friends with whom she has little in common (and really cares nothing about) to seek some identity that Mom and Dad checked at the arrival gate upon landing at JFK a generation ago. The sad part is when she dates a non-Arab man, especially from any of a number of countries her parents' society ridicules, her guerrilla-warfare dating tactics backfire. In the final analysis, Mr. Right simply does not exist in either of her two universes; she is, sadly, lost. The Riddle Our princess (who is after all part of the community) does not realize something: attitude is important. First, she needs to decide what kind of man will make her happy. Second, she needs to take a look around and ask herself why her born-in-the-Old- Country Arab friends are returning to Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon and other faraway ends to marry.



The answer, my friends, is not blowin' in the wind! It is as clear as day. The Reality Your reticence has a price. Both my Christian and Moslem male friends, almost invariably and no matter how actively they dated in New York, have returned to the "motherland" to marry in the last few years. These are wellmannered, sophisticated, college-educated gentlemen with excellent jobs and a great deal of cultural awareness. They realize the value in meeting someone locally, since they can spend more time with them than flying down to Beirut on a whim and conducting an "express marriage." But, in the end, you have left them no choice. Your cold attitude, whether not wanting to shake a hand, consistently refusing to have fun (dancing or otherwise), or not calling someone back after a new acquaintance leaves you a message are indicative of something very wrong in your attitude. Not only are you losing out on reconnecting with your culture, but your chances of finding Mr. Mazbout are growing dimmer. Since I never kiss and tell, there is one story I heard about recently that illustrates my point. Faris (not his real name), a thirty-something Egyptian- American gentleman, was born and raised in New Jersey. Faris is tall, dark, and handsome and a self-made multi-millionaire. His parents, like thousands of others, came to this country after the 1967 Arab-Israel war to seek a better life. Faris did everything that was expected of him by his parents - studied hard, got good grades, went to college, and got a good job. Faris dated both Arab and banat Amerkaan as he was open minded and his college years were meant to be used for exploration. But he never forgot who he was and purposefully focused exclusively on dating Arab women during his last year of college and during the first year of his professional working life. He found that the Arab women he dated would frequently "play hard to get". Even after a rapport had been established and several dates had taken place these coeds and working women would "overplay" their hand. Playing hard to get is one thing, but neglecting a relationship and confusing a potential Mr. Mazbout can become nerve-wracking for the slighted party. Earth to AAPs: tell us what you want. Mama and Baba, after sensing that he was frustrated with sitting on the merry-go-round of the Arab- American dating scene, introduced him to one of the community's most eligible women. Guess what? She was needy, volatile, and never appreciated a thing the poor guy did for her (flowers, special dates, and a collection of fine jewelry). The maskeen guy needed a break and decided, after splitting from his fiance, to take a holiday. Syrian women, among others (especially Lebanese), are known for their beauty. Whether it's the fair hair, light skin, or that melodic accent, we can all appreciate the beauty from that region of the Arab world. This was not the reason that Faris went to Syria; he wanted to explore the Arab world a little and what better way to do that than to visit his uncle, a professor at Aleppo University? Faris was swept away by the culture, the friendliness of the people, and a chance to "reconnect" with his roots. One day, after his uncle had just finished giving a lecture, Faris noticed Jamila. Jamila was as stereotypically northern Syrian as you could get, down to the Turkish origin of her last name. This woman was an excellent student, a real knockout, sensitive, charming, and the essence of grace. While the couple's dates consisted of Faris and his uncle visiting Jamila's conservative parents on a nightly basis until there was an engagement, there was one major problem: Faris spoke no (zero) Arabic and Jamila's English language skills were virtually nonexistent. To make life harder, Jamila's parents spoke no English either. God bless their persistent hearts. Despite the major language barrier, they decided to get married and now live in the US. But what can we really learn from this story? What is a tall, dark, and handsome multi-millionaire doing halfway around the world looking for love when there are thousands of eligible Arab-American women in the New York tri-state area? Is it not more than a little strange that this man took the risk of undergoing an "express marriage" and tying the knot with someone with whom he couldn't even communicate? Arab American women -- you just let a very big fish get away. Bravo! The Remedy If you are an average-looking, decently educated woman with any prospects for marriage and the guys you are meeting are not serious about starting a relationship, reevaluate your attitude. When you meet someone at the next Arab community shindig keep in mind that saying hello to someone like you mean it is unlikely to kill you. Asking a new male acquaintance what he does for a living is a normal query. If that person works in your field and can help you in your job search, he may. Guess what? He is unlikely to have an ulterior motive. He probably just wants to hear the words "thank you." Attention Mama & Baba While it is certainly noble to seek love in the realm of Arab identity and culture, this approach may not be suitable for everyone. Each parent who has strived to raise their child in this country has to accept the inevitable: you cannot take from America (good job, house, life) without giving in return. Realize that your daughters are socially straddling two cultures and will one day walk through that door with someone with golden hair and blue eyes and the last name Johnson. Every benefit we gain in this world comes at a price. You can counsel your girls, you can even impart to them your values and beliefs, but at the end of the day they belong to America. Never forget the words of one of our greatest Lebanese, Khalil Gibran: "And a woman who held a baby against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday." The definition of America your daughter embraces depends on the path she chooses at that fork in the road when seeking a marriage partner. There is no right or wrong answer in this most crucial of life's decisions...>..>