Being a dr and marriage

Login to find out (January 14, 2007 at 3:50am)

Charistmatic: Wow, I didn't know there was another side to this journal. First I have heard of about girl docs only seeing female patients. That is funny. I don't have a problem with my wife working to be honest, provided me or the kids are not neglacted. That rule applies to me also, so trust me, its about sharing. Soon, I will be in the boat when the kiddos come into the picture. By then I hope this journal will be there and I will have an opportunity of sharing my experience of how we do it. I do agree with you on one thing. Every Doc Girl up on Naseeb thinks that guys would want them to sit home. Don't get me wrong, I would want my wife to enjoy motherhood, but at the same time practice what she enjoys as a passion.

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 6:43pm)

I think sending your kids to private pakistani schools in high school would have been a good idea 7-8 years ago when the schools there were not soo westernized. I have cousins in pakistan who tell me horror stories of what happens there... girls and guys clubbing, drinking, and sleeping together. Its as bad there as it is here...atleast with here you can watch over your kids and set limits to what they can and cannot do. Fifteen is a vulnerable age to fall into the wrong crowd... However, who knows how it will be 15-20 years down the road in pakistan...maybe the young generation will be better. I went to highschool here and it was a very good public school...strong in academics. My advice would be to settle down in a good town/suburb where the schools don't have metal detectors. Make sure your kids attend sunday school and have regular Islamic teaching classes... and the rest leave it to Allah.

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 6:38pm)

Salaam
LOL! It makes me feel better knowing that your wife asked the same question that i've asked other men. And at least you were some what prepared knowing the flip side of the argument, the thoughts that were running through her mind. I'm glad that it did work out. And Insha'allah the children and how to raise them will also work out too. As long as you and your wife share a solid love and with Allah's blessings you can work through any dilemma. Ws

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 6:01pm)

You know this question is like the Million Dollar question of "How should a man make his marriage successful and how to deal with his wife?"

I think you could write a book about this subject and they won't be a straight forward answer.

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 5:58pm)

Hey one more thing. When I met my wife for the first time, guess what her first question was? "Do you have an issue with me working?" I laughed at her, so she asked me what was so funny. I thought of this journal on Naseeb, but ofcourse I didn't talk about it. If only she finds out my entries in here, she would know why I laughed at her.

So the essense of the story is AMENA2006, its girls too that have a tonne of questions. I remember her family grilling me with a million questions. I think my Security Clearance questionaire that I filled out in 2004 was more easy to fill out (yeah like 20 pages) then answering all of her family's question.

Jokes aside, I love my wife very much. I actually made a mathematical equation to measure our love.

Love=e^infinity

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 5:43pm)

Amena: Maybe I will visit this journal in about a year and tell you how its going and what worked for us. Yeah, its exciting to get to the part of having kids. I am lucky in one way. My wife is done with her residency and is now a full MD with some ABIM certification. Whatever that means. She wants to go further, and is presently doing some kind of research. I was asking my work mates here who are MDs what that entailed. They told me, its like residency all over again. So that is frightening. Anyways, I agree with Amena. Having a work schedule around each other will prevent us to develop our love and marriage. So it is a tough situation to be in. I like Fareeha432's idea. Work 10 to 4. I acutally talked to her about this, and I think she doesn't mind, but with this specialization thing, I think it will be like th 80 to 90 hour week. If thats the case, she might as well come to Iraq. I work 90+ hours a week for the last 3 years. We could compete then (wink). Okay enough joking. I don't mind parents helping where they can. Actually, my sister and my wife have talked about looking after each others kids. She wants to finish her college and was talking about working a schedule such that she could baby sit our kids when my wife is at work and wise versa. So who knows what will happen, but I agree with Charismatic_111. I am sure there is a solution to this. I have a tonne of cousins who are MDs here in the US and in Pak. There are different styles I see with them raising kids. Last, Feduist, I don't think sending kids to Pakistan is the solution. Trust me, there is so much pro west culture out there that your kids can spoil there too. I think they should be with parents so they can bond with them. Its a special feeling.

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 5:10pm)

Im just going to send my kids to pakistan so they can do high school there and grow up fairly shareef. Im terrified of sending them to schools here due to murders and learning bad things. I will send all four of my kids to private pakistani schools. They arent bad I tell you...I went to one.

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 4:44pm)

I agree with charismatic, i had planned on having kids during 2 or 3rd yr of residency. I dont think there is anything wrong with getting help from your family especially if they live close to you. They want whats best for you and the grandkids. If my family or his family is not close by, we may have to hire a nanny or enroll in a daycare. Mostly, i guess it all depends on the situation and yours and his time schedule.. you choose whatever works best. Besides it'll only be for a couple of years, since i planned on working parttime ( i got the best timing already worked out 10am-4pm M-F with an hour and half break in the middle to eat lunch with my future husband :P )
But then i can also see where Jn786 is coming from about burdening our parents... I know a resident couple who would drop off her daughter at her parent's house, but she also hired a nanny to take care of her daughter so the grandmother would not have to do anything other then keep an eye on the nanny. I understand its hard to find trustworthy people and mashallah this has worked out for her since the mom and grandmother now feel secure that the baby is in good hands.

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 11:08am)

Salaam

Its so good to hear from you! Congratulations on the marriage!! :) May Allah bless you and your wife Always. As far as rasing children, thats a tough one andone that I have had to have anwers to already since many men ask that when entertaining theidea of marriage. And of course its important and should be thoght through. If you could schedule urself so that you work at nights, that might work.BUt then you never really see your wife/ husbands. So its tough. I still dont have all the answers even a year later and am still looking for that special someone who will work with me to make it all work.

Im very happy for you and pray that Allah will make all your endeavours easy and without hardship!

Feudist: im glad youve found someone that work with you. Good luck to you.
Wsalam Amena

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 10:39am)

Yeah, I am not sure raising kids with Aya's is a great idea. Isn't that the same as just putting them in day care? Anyways, you are right about going part time till they go to school. Hopefully, we plan on rotating our schedule's around so we are there for the kids at home. I think my mom would love helping out, but it isn't her job. We bring the kids in this world, it isn't our parent's job to raise them. Anyways, different ideas, different ways I suppose. Maybe someday I will have a different idea. When I joined Naseeb and made my first entry in this journal, I had no clue I would end up marrying one. At that time, my aim was to raise some support within the Muslim doctors in helping Iraqi Children out medically. Obviously, I didn't get that commitment from anyone.

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 6:22am)

Yeah I have thought about having kids once Im done with med school and simply raising them with my "lawyer" (or non-physician) husband. He and I can easily raise kids together as I go part time (JUST till the kids are stable and can walk). Five of my aunts and my own mother did it the same way and look how I turned out! I also want an aya there is nothing wrong with that..after all we need to make money to raise kids to..and plus desi kids have huge support systems in grandparents and cousins etc we are very lucky in that way.
Fareeha ...lol I will ask if you are interested in good people.

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 2:40am)

I don't think professions have anything to do. Really. I am an engineer but working in the Military environment, my career is more rough then Physicians, not to mention that we serve in war zones as I am now. I think your spouse just has to be supportive. I think mine is, but not for long durations. I don't want that either. Physical seperations are rough and I would never suggest any military personal to be far away from their loved ones for extended periods. The issue I have with my wife is that she has two side jobs to support her research job (a third job). When she works as a Physician at a hospital, we seem to find more time to talk, but when she has the three jobs to get to, we find very little time. The part I find about Physicians is that they are pretty stubborn at times. I have a tonne of cousins who are Physicians in our family (Both sides) and they all seem to have the same mentality. Don't get me wrong. My wife loves me a lot and so do I, but its almost like she gets to do what she wants by simply arguing her way. So its not about competing with her career. Its with any career that doesn't give some family time atleast. It gets interesting when you have children.

So I have a question for all women physicians. When you will have children, how do you plan on raising them? Day care centers? I was talking to my wife about working around her schedule. Maybe I do night shift work (if I can find any as an Engineer) while she works so I can be with the kids. How have you guys thought of this process?

Login to find out (January 13, 2007 at 12:34am)

supportive and goodlooking to boot?! Well if he has an identical twin brother ;) you know what to do... :P

Login to find out (January 12, 2007 at 11:25pm)

NOt yet but my current boyfreind is a lawyer and he is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G and extremely supportive, secure and very good looking to. I would suggest such a find!

Login to find out (January 12, 2007 at 11:12pm)

LOL feudist. Love the taxes part..sooo true. Hmmmm know any successful single businessman out there?

Login to find out (January 12, 2007 at 10:39pm)

I have known both types of cases in my community. The men who are physicians want their physician wives to NOT practice since they are making enough money instead they want thme to raise the kids and go shopping while the kids are at their luxury private schools. I suppose for some women this lifestyle is ideal..where they found a good match due to their doctor status and they dont even have to / found excuse not to practice. It seems to me as if you want to work and have a husband who is mentally compatible and theres nothing wrong with that. Personally...since my ex found out I got into med school he left me since I think he no longer found it "fitting" his family style..maybe..I dont know. So far the pakistani physicians I have talked to are extremely rude to me and try to suggest "other" jobs...they are pretty nasty.
Other than that all I can say is marry a lawyer...or a man who loves what he does and does not "compete" with you and doesnt feel insecure with you either. He will truly care for you and be secure in his own profession.
Taxes dont really leave physicians with such big paychecks anyway..esp malpratice.

Login to find out (January 12, 2007 at 3:39am)

Just wanted to update Amena about the developments in my life since my first entry in this journal. I ended up marrying a physician. All arranged. I had no clue about my wife. My folks while visiting Pakistan introduced me to this girl. Long story short, I find marriage with a physician can be a challenge. Even though I love her e^infinity and she is a great muslim, she is strong willed and smart. I actually find that interesting and this keeps our marriage pretty exciting. I learnt from just being married a few months now, that Marriage is all about compromise. Some from my end, and some from her end. She wants to practice, so thats okay with me, but I have travel with the Military/Work/Engineering, so she is begining to accept the frequent travel to various stations around the world.

Login to find out (January 7, 2007 at 11:59pm)

I just joined this village, and i am amazed at how much I can relate to some of the posts here. I have run into MD's who dont want their wives to be docs too or MD's who want their wives to be docs in name only, and finally MD's who will consider you only if u go into a less demanding field of medicine (AKA dermatology).

In undergrad i was all gungho about getting into medical school and didn;t pay attention (well not much :P ) to the available single men, thinking i'll find someone once i'm in med school. Well that didn't happen *: .
Now i find myself talking to random guys introduced by my parents (who are also freaking out at my being single) fielding questions about my ability to cook and clean, how many times i pray, my willingness to live with his whole family, where i plan to live, where i plan to work, if i plan to work, how much i plan to work, when i will be free to get married, etc etc and this all asked within an hour of meeting the prospective guy.
If i had known it was going to turn out this way, i might have stopped at a bachelor's degree... ); well thats a big "might".

Login to find out (July 6, 2006 at 9:33pm)

I didn't get a chance to read the whole thread since there are some bits missing because I have a free account.

As concerns your original post, there are definitely other male muslim physicians out there who are looking for educated female muslim professionals. You just have to look hard enough. Just remember, regardless of profession, marriage is about compromise.

Besides, you're 25, wait at least till 27 before getting married. Haven't you heard? today's 40 is the new 20. Tell that to your parents and they'll freak out and get you a ristha the next day!

Login to find out (July 2, 2006 at 1:39am)

i should have read this village first instead of making a new entry. well it seems that no resolution was reached...just an acknowledgement that yes, men do prefer women who are less educated, less wealthy and younger :(((

jn786 and sidewinderbabe, do you see any conflict being muslim and in the army? or no? and for all the people who attack you...well they are hypocrites also because by living in america they sort of do benefit from the services of the US army.

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Being a dr and marriage

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Being a dr and marriage

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Resonate your identity with Naseeb journals. Express your opinions, share your thoughts, post your writings and connect with like minded people through the power of expression.