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Notice at a Software firm in Silicon Valley - from Human Resources Director
To all Hindi-speaking staff
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy,is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and
colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
Words like "CHUTIYA,GANDU" and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say "CHUTIYE
AQAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO" when someone makes a mistake, or "MAA CHUDI BEHENCHOD" when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the
verb "CHOD"are inappropriate in our environment.
No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as"GADHA", or "CHUTIYA". Lack of determination will not be referred to "KAAMCHOR SALA",and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as "AALSI BHOSADIKAA", or
"MADARCHOD".
Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to "FUCK ALL". Do not say "GAND PHAARO" if a person is persistent, or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use "GAND PHATI, NA?", if a colleague is going through a difficult situation.
Furthermore, you must not say "BHOSADE MEIN GAYA" when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say
"FUCK OFF". Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with "BOL TERI KAISE GAND MARUU"?
When things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "MAA CHUDI PADI HAI" or "GOTI MUH MEIN HAI" No salary increase shall be ever referred to as
"KHAIRAAT BAATI HAI".
Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners "BADHIR LAUDA". Last, but not least, after reading this memo please do not
say "YE KAGHAZ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAQ BHI NAHI HAI". Just keep it clean and dispose off it properly. We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Sincerely,
Human Resources Director
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
8. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
9. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE! - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not act like a TOTAL ASSS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
7. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
8. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
i should be able to return to work on monday iA..
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her friend about her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
LOL PINK CRAYON!
SO KEEP THIS VE alive! plz...
I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."