*antithetical

hiya.. i didnt look at the situation as liking/loving you less. it is a fair assessment that people in general will not be pleased with certain behaviour, will not like certain conduct and prefer one thing over another--for themselves and for others. this doesnt necessarily amount to an change in love. it just means one has a code of ethics.. a standard for character etcetera..

im totally against emotional blackmailing.. ive experienced that WAY too many times in my short life from my parents that i have learnt to ignore such ploy. and if i dont do what they have wanted or said, its not that i love them less, its not that they will love me less.. although they may be disappointed, i feel that i was raised well enough and obtained a good sence of judgment to make decisions on my own in the end.. while ill take their suggestions under advisement, the decision is mine. furthermore, if i do the opposite of what they want, this is NOT dis-obeying or disrespectful. and i hate when people suggest otherwise. being obedient and respectful doesnt mean we operate like a vending machine and only spit out what was put into us. we need to make judicious decisions as our parents will not always be there to hold our hands. the intent is islam is not to blindly obey to advice that is based on selfish motives or which are antethical to islamic decree.

hurting ones parents is something we want to avoid, but parents should realise that they have done a good job if the child is ABLE to make decisions on his own. this is part of parenting. there is a point that you need to step back and say 'yes, i believe i raised him right, let him learn by his decisions' ... on the same note, there are times when ones decisions are patently wrong and will cause dire effects unless you intercede.. but those times happen very rarely, unless you are dealing with an emotional and mental 13 year old who is 27 years old in HUMAN years..

i think its too bad to have to go behind your parents backs, especially if you honestly believe that what you are doing has been well thought out and you weighed the pros and cons before. be pragmatic--use a balance sheet, do research and substantiate your position. then go to your parents with it. if they dont at least allow you to make your own decisions, as an ADULT, then that must be a hard life.. Allah grant you patience and self-restraint.

hope this addresses some issues.. i know i can go off on tangents.. hehe

is there a difference between not liking what i do to and for myself and having conditions to when u can like (or love) me? i feel there isn't a difference when it comes to how certain parents act towards their child.

some might say that parents get children to do certain things by emotionally blackmailing them. if the child does something that might put the child in danger (at least from where the parent stands) the parent will feel hurt. the child might be asked "do you want to make mommy feel bad?" certainly that doesn't explain why children act the way they do. but the parents know that if they threaten to retract some of their love for the child (by way of showing hurt and anger), the kid is more likely to get back on track.

so it is really a matter of the love that is given to the child and not the love that the person might have within.

why is it a child's concern that what they do might hurt their parent?

isn't the reason why a child goes behind their parent's back because, in part, they do not want to hurt their parent? they might already know that if their parent was to find out that the parent would withdraw their love? and so to lie is both to protect the parent and to protect one-self. what can a parent reasonably do if this is the case?

think they love you unconditionally; but they simply dont like what you do or the choices you make. therein is the difference.

you expect them to smile at you when you are hurting them or yourself? do you expect them to be all joyful when you do things behind their backs when they try to foster openness and respect? i dunno what you are NOT doing that you believe they love you any less.. but i am sure they may just dislike your decision-making.. maybe even your 'independence'.