Village Journals
Resonate your identity with Naseeb journals. Express your opinions, share your thoughts, post your writings and connect with like minded people through the power of expression.
Resonate your identity with Naseeb journals. Express your opinions, share your thoughts, post your writings and connect with like minded people through the power of expression.
Dear Virginians...
Dear Virginians,
After spending some months in your state (most of which I spent in your traffic), I have painfully come to the conclusion that many of you do not know how to drive. Being the generous and charitable soul that I am, I would like to offer a few simple pointers so that we may all eventually get to where we're going;
1) The left hand lane is for going fast. It is not for yapping on the cell phone, applying your makeup or gossiping with your girlfriend. Also, if you can not see over the steering wheel, this lane is not for you.
2) Flashing your indicators does not automatically give you the right to swerve your gigantic SUV monster truck across three lanes of traffic so that you can make the exit. Exit signs are typically placed 1/4, 1/2 and 1 miles before the exit. If this is not enough advance warning for you, please let me know. I will be happy to plant one in your driveway. You can't ask for more warning than that. Aren't I good to you?
3) Some law enforcement officials are now actually saying that you do not need to slow down, if there is an accident on the other side of the highway. You will not get a ticket and you can continue to drive past at your normal speed, paying attention only to the road ahead of you. Isn't this fantastic? Whatever will they think of next?
4) When the light turns green, this means that you can go. Please do not look at the driver of each car at the intersection, for permission to move. Please try to move so that more than one car can go through before the lights change. When the light turns yellow, you are still allowed to continue if it's safe. Don't slam on the brakes and force me to wait behind you for another 10 minutes before the lights change, because I could have reached home by now instead of still being stuck behind your slow butt.
5) Any light which takes longer than 2 minutes to cycle, should be ignored. Trust me, when you get home 30 minutes earlier than usual, you'll see that this is a good idea.
6) Police officers, many accidents are caused when people see you hiding with a radar gun and suddenly hit the brakes. I am sorry that when you were at police training school, they did not teach you that white police cars with fluorescent stripes are not quite camouflaged very well by the trees of Northern Virginia. To correct this, I have asked the highways department to order some white trees with matching fluorescent stripes. In the mean time, please do us all a favor and catch some real criminals. We pay you too much to have you sitting around all day harassing the same law-abiding citizens who pay your wages. Surely there is a 7-11 somewhere with an out-of-date bagel that you can raid? You might even get your 15-minutes on Cops.
7) Old people, we love you but please understand that most of the world moves a little faster than 15 mph. If it didn't it you would never get your medications on time. Please think about that the next time you look into your rear-view mirror and see 38 cars lined up behind you. These people pay for your Medicaid. If they can't get to work, no more Medicaid for you. They have been making cars with more than one gear since 1908. I heard that the second gear is truly wonderful. Please find out for yourself.
8) Traffic planners, you sick b@st@rds. Which sadistic mind decided that traffic lights should have 10 minute cycles? Do you have any idea what it's like waiting for the lights to change through 6 phases, when you are the only car at an intersection? I bet you used to pull legs of spiders too. If you don't understand the excruciating torture you've inflicted on these poor Virginians, I will come to your house and install traffic lights (and enforcement cameras) so that it'll take you 30 minutes to go from the bedroom to the bathroom. You'll understand our pain once you've crapped in the hallway a few times.
9) School children, just get on the damn bus already. It's bad enough that the people who pay for your education, bus, school meals and the sports fields which you are too fat to use, have to wait while you are so busy gossiping with your friends about what you'll be wearing at the prom and oh-my-god-did-you-see-so-and-so-at- the-mall-with-that-hunky-new-star-q uarter-back-that-cheap-slut-I-knew- it, that you don't see how you're making every one on your block with a real job, late for work. Do us all a favor. Shut. Up. And. Get. Your. Fat. Spoilt. Lazy. Whiny. Butt. On. The. Bus. Damn. You.
10) George Bush, you have a helicopter. Use it. We paid millions so that you can skip the traffic jams in a whirly-bird and land wherever you please. As such, I don't understand why you need an army of secret service agents, state troopers and local officers to block off the traffic for 30 minutes and cause horrendous traffic jams, every time you want to go for a drive. I work near the Department of Homeland Security. They have plenty of space to land a helicopter. If you don't want to use the helicopter, give it to me. At least I won't have to spend any more time in Virginia traffic.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I thank you.
Mamoon.
After spending some months in your state (most of which I spent in your traffic), I have painfully come to the conclusion that many of you do not know how to drive. Being the generous and charitable soul that I am, I would like to offer a few simple pointers so that we may all eventually get to where we're going;
1) The left hand lane is for going fast. It is not for yapping on the cell phone, applying your makeup or gossiping with your girlfriend. Also, if you can not see over the steering wheel, this lane is not for you.
2) Flashing your indicators does not automatically give you the right to swerve your gigantic SUV monster truck across three lanes of traffic so that you can make the exit. Exit signs are typically placed 1/4, 1/2 and 1 miles before the exit. If this is not enough advance warning for you, please let me know. I will be happy to plant one in your driveway. You can't ask for more warning than that. Aren't I good to you?
3) Some law enforcement officials are now actually saying that you do not need to slow down, if there is an accident on the other side of the highway. You will not get a ticket and you can continue to drive past at your normal speed, paying attention only to the road ahead of you. Isn't this fantastic? Whatever will they think of next?
4) When the light turns green, this means that you can go. Please do not look at the driver of each car at the intersection, for permission to move. Please try to move so that more than one car can go through before the lights change. When the light turns yellow, you are still allowed to continue if it's safe. Don't slam on the brakes and force me to wait behind you for another 10 minutes before the lights change, because I could have reached home by now instead of still being stuck behind your slow butt.
5) Any light which takes longer than 2 minutes to cycle, should be ignored. Trust me, when you get home 30 minutes earlier than usual, you'll see that this is a good idea.
6) Police officers, many accidents are caused when people see you hiding with a radar gun and suddenly hit the brakes. I am sorry that when you were at police training school, they did not teach you that white police cars with fluorescent stripes are not quite camouflaged very well by the trees of Northern Virginia. To correct this, I have asked the highways department to order some white trees with matching fluorescent stripes. In the mean time, please do us all a favor and catch some real criminals. We pay you too much to have you sitting around all day harassing the same law-abiding citizens who pay your wages. Surely there is a 7-11 somewhere with an out-of-date bagel that you can raid? You might even get your 15-minutes on Cops.
7) Old people, we love you but please understand that most of the world moves a little faster than 15 mph. If it didn't it you would never get your medications on time. Please think about that the next time you look into your rear-view mirror and see 38 cars lined up behind you. These people pay for your Medicaid. If they can't get to work, no more Medicaid for you. They have been making cars with more than one gear since 1908. I heard that the second gear is truly wonderful. Please find out for yourself.
8) Traffic planners, you sick b@st@rds. Which sadistic mind decided that traffic lights should have 10 minute cycles? Do you have any idea what it's like waiting for the lights to change through 6 phases, when you are the only car at an intersection? I bet you used to pull legs of spiders too. If you don't understand the excruciating torture you've inflicted on these poor Virginians, I will come to your house and install traffic lights (and enforcement cameras) so that it'll take you 30 minutes to go from the bedroom to the bathroom. You'll understand our pain once you've crapped in the hallway a few times.
9) School children, just get on the damn bus already. It's bad enough that the people who pay for your education, bus, school meals and the sports fields which you are too fat to use, have to wait while you are so busy gossiping with your friends about what you'll be wearing at the prom and oh-my-god-did-you-see-so-and-so-at- the-mall-with-that-hunky-new-star-q uarter-back-that-cheap-slut-I-knew- it, that you don't see how you're making every one on your block with a real job, late for work. Do us all a favor. Shut. Up. And. Get. Your. Fat. Spoilt. Lazy. Whiny. Butt. On. The. Bus. Damn. You.
10) George Bush, you have a helicopter. Use it. We paid millions so that you can skip the traffic jams in a whirly-bird and land wherever you please. As such, I don't understand why you need an army of secret service agents, state troopers and local officers to block off the traffic for 30 minutes and cause horrendous traffic jams, every time you want to go for a drive. I work near the Department of Homeland Security. They have plenty of space to land a helicopter. If you don't want to use the helicopter, give it to me. At least I won't have to spend any more time in Virginia traffic.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I thank you.
Mamoon.
Comments on this journal
1. Virginia's full of a bunch of fast& furious wannabes who weave through traffic on every single road, whether it's the beltway or a cul-de-sac with a posted 15 mph sign. Two of these fools nearly hit me on the FC parkway. I could smell nox as they hit lightspeed. Now if i was only a trucker with a shotgun.
2. Half the people on the road on the fourth of july are bent beyond recognition. They should post signs on the side of the road that're like drunk goggles that say "if you can read this you need to pull over and sober up."
3. The cause of all traffic jams in Virginia is one woman putting her make up on while she drives.
4. Real Virginians can't drive in the snow.
5. Virginians 'Rubberneck.' e.g. Stare at accidents as they pass them going 5 mph and making comments. "daaaaaaamn!."
6. Apparently state laws require all drivers on their cell phones to go 40 in the left lane.
7. Another law makes gay political bumper stickers with the names of losers a required decal.
i could go on but this is getting progressively lame with each comment.