>>
>>>Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
>>> circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
>>>garment
>>>from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
>>>stain and
>>>check that it has gone.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
>>>next to
>>>the object you wish to view.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
>>>paper, but
>>>you'll also be getting paid for it.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home
>>>by
>>>filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
>>>then
>>>urinating into it, before jumping in.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
>>>eating
>>>cake again.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
>>>inexpensive vibrator.
>>>
>>>
>>>Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
>>>running a bit slower.
>>>
>>>
>>> Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting you
>>>next fag
>>>from the butt of your last one.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
>>>steak or
>>>veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
>>>substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
>>>know the
>>>difference.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
>>>doubt
>>>be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
>>>about
>>>yours, and ask for a nice steak.
>>>
>>>
>>>High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
>>>while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>>>
>>>
>>>Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
>>>cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
>>>to
>>>insulate your roof.
>>>
>>>
>>>Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
>>>before
>>>starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,
>>>so it
>>>may as well look like one.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
>>>from
>>>rolling over and going back to sleep.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
>>>banging your feet twice on each stair.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
>>>customer
>>>Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
>>>
>>>
>>>Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first
>>>date. All
>>>he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
>>>
>>>
>>>Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
>>>the
>>>fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
>>>
>>>
>>>AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
>>>'fast
>>>wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
>>>
>>>
>>>HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
>>>liquid
>>>for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley
>>>and the
>>>other in your coat pocket.
>>>
>>>
>>>DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. The may
>>>find
>>>the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
>>>