WA

AA Elissse,

I read your comments and really feel ashamed of the muslim community and myself of not helping enough to people who are new to the religion. Please tell us why are you struggling and ALLAH has given you all the right to voice your opinions and concerns. Please let us all know about your experiences and Insha'Allah, we all will help.

Is there something I can do for you? Please for the sake of ALLAH, let us all know because we all are answerable to ALLAH on the day of judgement.

Your brother in Islam.
- Faisal

Elisse, you are not permitted to marry a non-Muslim man per the Quran/Shariah.

Most important thing is Deen. Then after that is looks, wealth, family status etc (this is Sunnah). Personally, I say find a spouse who has the deen (or in alot of cases WANTS the deen but their families sort of supress it) and have a family that is accepting of you being a convert (or revert as misslondon more accurately points out), because you are not only marrying a spouse, you are marrying their family. And as a revert, this is very important, as more than likely your family is probably not muslim themselves. This will help you and your spouse, and your children, in the long run if the family is loving and accepting of you being from a different background/culture/whatever. Unfortunately, there is alot of problems for us reverts in this situation. First off, alot of people do not trust reverts, especially the older generations. They fear the person will go back to what they were before. They also fear that culture will cause marriage conflicts. So this is often a very difficult, daunting, and stressful task that was meant to be very simple, but has become more complex than nuclear physics in todays Ummah. Just stay patient, make alot of Dua to Allah subhana wa ta'ala to bring you a pious/righteous spouse from a good family, and follow Sunnah of the Prophet SWS. Anyways, if you hear of, or see a person, you are interested in (since you do not have muslim parents yourself) you should find out who their family is and try to talk to one of their relatives about them. Find out more about them in general, and then if you like what you hear ask if you can speak to them and their Wali about marriage. I hope this helped and inshAllah ta'ala we will all be blessed with pious spouse to be protectors of each others Deen, and may we all raise beautiful, obedient, God fearing children so that we may help save each other from the Hell fire. Ameen

WE DON'T CALL THEM CONVERTS, BUT REVERTS!!

I think its really good that you want to settle down, i think i should do the same and marry a revert instead!!!

Salaam alaikum. I think this is a really great topic. Most new sisters are looking for a husband who will treat them well and who can teach them new things about Islam. A lot of people seem to think that they want a religious woman but are not religious themselves or just say that they will become religious when they get married. I think that this is ridiculous, considering we do not know how long we will live and have to be responsible for all of our actions.

When I was looking to get married, the main thing was that I found someone who is Muslim and fairly religious. Along with that, I was looking for a man who wants the same things out of life as I do and is willing to work together and compromise. I brought up topics such as multiple wives, family issues, and having children and what would happen if we were unable to conceive children. Sometimes you assume everyone will feel the same about such important issues, but it's EXTREMELY important to ask. Also, I had to see how he interacts with people and treats others. Chemistry is also important to a certain extent...you have to be able to talk to each other!

I think she hit the nail on the head with the comment that we don't want to feel like foreigners in our own home. This is so true. I felt this way for quite some time and until now I was unable to accurately describe my true feelings. It would be nice to be married to someone who was born a Muslim, but this has its problems too. I have met too many people who have this strange idea that Muslims have some sort of a monopoly on God and everyone else is a heathen. I was never a heathen nor is my family. They are good Christian people and I want them to be given that respect. When I marry I want someone who is flexible on unimportant issues and can identitfy the difference. A couple of years ago I had a Muslim friend who refused to eat a turkey my mother cooked on Thanksgiving because it was not Halal then he had the nerve to later go to a bar and a stripclub with some of his other muslim friends. I once knew someone else who tried to convince me that is is to my advantage for my husband to have multiple wives. Or what about the guy who dumped me because I would not cover my hair. The rest of my body is covered, but that wasn't good enough for him. He said that I wasn't a good Muslim and I wasn't comitted to my new faith and consequently not good enough to be his wife. I tried to explain to him that his role as a born Muslim was to help me become a better person instead he ripped the rug out from under me. Even if he believed it he should not have said it. (He could not understand my point.)

A note to Faisal: I'm sure you will make a good husband, but remember a few things. You are not marrying an individual you are marrying an entire family. American parents are no different than other parents they love their children and only want what is best for them. If their daughters start behaving "strangely" like a foreigner they will blame YOU. so pick your battlles wisely. I know that dating is unIslamic, but it s very American; you will need to find a middle ground. If you want her family to accept you, you will need to allow them to get to know you a little bit first. With the holidays coming this will be a good time to attend some family functions. After you met her family at least once, causally pull her Dad aside and tell him your intention. (This is very old fashion but it will score ALOT of points with her Dad), but do NOT ask permission for marriage at least not yet. Just tell him that you have a tremedous amount of respect for their daughter and you are interested in marriage, but you would like to get to know them better. And if you choose to proceed you would like his blessings. Do not put her Dad on the spot and do not wait for a response. Just simply make your intent known. Under most cirmumstance her Dad will love you for it and you should not have any problems. Granted each family is different, but you can be the judge of that. Sometimes her father will be out of the picture, so if she is closer to her mother talk to her instead.

If you don't know how to approach her first, just be honest. Especially if you are shy, most women think shyness is sweet and charming. Try to get to know her a bit first, if you can't just tell her your intent up front. She would greatly appeciate it if you treat her with the same respect that you would give to someone from your own culture. A few compliments or some small token gifts would be nice especially if they are unexpected. Just don't over do it because it might make her uncomfortable or she will think you are trying to bribe her.

I know this was long, but I hope it helps.

wa alaaykum salaam wr wb

Well I think you should just be honest and straight forward and be yourself. I don't believe in games or mysterious rules for seeking a life partner, etc. I think converts are individuals and may not all be looking for the same thing. But in general they are looking for someone who is kind, tolerant, that they can relate to and not feel like they're in a foreign country in their own home, etc. someone who is religious and sincere, someone who would be honest and straightforward and courageous to stand up for right.