On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves,
they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
Little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The redhead is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner dates.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about
leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"





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A Blonde was driving down the road, and spotted another Blonde in the middle of a hayfield rowing a boat. She stopped the car, got out and went to the shoulder of the road, and yelled, "You know, it's blondes like you that give blondes a bad name!, and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass!"

Mr. Ranjeet singh comes to United states for the first time and stays in New York city. After few days, he realizes that he is not feeling well, but there arent any signs of a fever or an illness.

Mr. Ranjeet gets sick of the situation and one fine day he decides to seek help. He picks up the phone book and starts looking for doctors. There he finds a one, Dr. Temur. Mr. Ranjeet calls Dr. Temur early in the morning. Dr. Temur miserably picks up the phone and says: "Dr. Temur speaking."

Ranjeet: "Hi Dr. Temur, I am Ranjeet Singh"

Dr. Temur: "Hi Ranjeet Singh, How can I help you?"

Ranjeet: "Dr. Temur, I have been in this country for past 4 days and for some odd reason, I don't feel well."

Dr. Temur: "What do you mean you don't feel well? Are you having a fever or any kind of illness?"

Ranjeet: "No sir, nothing like that. I have no fever, no illness."

Dr. Temur: "Is this your first time leaving your country, Ranjeet?"

Ranjeet: "Yes sir, this my first time leaving mother India."

Dr. Temur: "Oh yeah. Well, I have a solution for you undetermined illness."

Ranjeet: "Oh really! What is that?"

Dr. Temur: "Well, what I will suggest for you to do is wake up at 4:00am, take sh*t in a plate and smell it for an hour. I want you to repeat the same thing for seven days. After seven days, if you still don't feel well, give me call."

Ranjeet: "Very well doctor, I will do that."

So, Ranjeet Singh does what Dr. Temur advised him to do. He wakes up 4 in the morning sharp, takes sh*t in a nice clean plate, and smells it for an hour. He repeats the same thing for seven days.

In other words he smell his fresh sh*t every morning for seven days. Surprisingly, after seven days of doing this he feels perfectly fine. Ranjeet Singh is very happy and now he enjoy his visit at the fullest. But guess what? He never forgets his good old friend Dr. Temur. So, Ranjeet Singh decides to call Dr. Temur and thank him for his free consultation.

Ranjeet: "Hi Dr. Temur, do u remember me?"

Dr. Temur: "Who is this?"

Ranjeet: "I am Ranjeet from last week, remember?"

Dr. Temur: "Well, you sound better then last time you called."

Ranjeet: "Well, Thanks to you Dr. Temur. You saved my life."

Dr. Temur: "Ranjeet, you are welcome."

Ranjeet: "But sir can you tell me what was wrong with me?

Dr. Temur: "Well Ranjeet, you were just home sick."

Bravo, Sweets.

LOL

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old a**?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."

Question: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

Answer: Out of a catalog.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and now you expect me to get hard

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your a** from drowning!"