Living with in-laws

Login to find out (November 29, 2005 at 11:51am)

Sofie29, I respect your views. We do have responsiblities and obligations to our parents. I always want to be close to my family and be able to take care and provide for them even after marrige. I dont have any brothers, a father, or any uncles. If anything, I would like my husband to stand by me when I take care of my family during tough times. Like I said before, I'm willing to help him take care of his parents if they are old and disable. I have no problem with that. However I don t believe in living in extended family. I dont have the strenght to cater to 10-15 people!.
About Hijab.... Well that's ones' perogative. We are supppose to dress modestly. We all dress the best we we can. I on the other hand dress according to occasion and enviroment.
Living with in-laws is more of a cultural practice then a religious one.

Login to find out (November 28, 2005 at 7:59pm)

I tried skimming best I could thru the 42 comments before mine. Guess ill have to b the preacher. Islamically you have so much duty to your parents. It is said that Allah will look kindly on those who honour, respect, provide for their parents, even if you are not a practicising Muslim, deeds such as these will stand up for you on the day of Judgement. If your parents are not close or passed on then take care and provide for your in laws. You do not have to live with them necessairly to be good to them. As well, living with your in laws is okay in Islam as long as its just his parents--not all four generations--this is assuming that the girl wears hijab and going with the guidelines for modesty. If you marry into a family where ur husbands brothers are still at home or cousins etc--then you will have to wear hijab 24/7--and thats not fair to you since the home should be a place of comfort, and for a women to wear whatever she likes.

Login to find out (November 25, 2005 at 12:41am)

Cheeni, That's understandable. As I've stated here earlier my family has suffered due to our in-laws. I've seen close freinds of my mother that have suffered the same faith. I respect culture and traditon. However, I think I will find it very difficult living according to the desi culture. I can share some horror stories right now, but I think it will scare people. I'm even afraid to share my own.

Login to find out (November 24, 2005 at 7:51pm)

good discussion going on candy berry.. im curious to know if everyone who is talking about not wanting to live with their in-laws under any circumstances are talking from experience or are their views just based on the horror stories that we all hear now and then?

personally, i dont really care either way... if i marry where the tradition is that everyone lives together then so be it, i dont think that just cause he marrys me, we need to disrupt the whole set up of the house.. after all, i wouldnt like it if my brother did that to my parents when they needed him.

Login to find out (November 24, 2005 at 5:27pm)

lol, Well I would rather have the guy live with me near my family under the curcumstances we are in. :)

Login to find out (November 24, 2005 at 2:34pm)

i think my folks would freak out if i turned around and said to them that me and G were coming to live with them ROFL.

Login to find out (November 24, 2005 at 11:59am)

How would you girls feel about your husband/future husband coming and staying with your family?

Login to find out (November 24, 2005 at 11:58am)

Though it is still quite common for the girl to come and stay with her husbands family I'm not sure if the statement:

'She is the main care giver and her role is to take care of everyone and cater to their needs'

is still true. Atleast not in the UK. Its more a case of she becomes a part of his family and they treat her like their daughter or sister. This is only a bad thing if there is something wrong with his family.

But the statement by Candy:
'The woman is the one that has to leave her family, sacrifice her job...'

Is still usually true but is becoming less so according to my knowledge.

Login to find out (November 24, 2005 at 5:28am)

Fair point, Mila, you can make anything work if you're dedicated to making it work. I feel fortunate this is not a debate I have to enter into in reality as I don't come from a desi culture. But it does seem to me , from the anecdotal evidence, to be yet another factor in the break-up of marriages. And there are plenty of things that you have to work at anyway, it just seems to be another stress that a marriage doesn't need. Have you noticed how many divorced women here had a problem with the in-laws and, in particular, what a problem an oppressive mother-son power axis is to a new wife?

Login to find out (November 24, 2005 at 5:09am)

But I feel like we are looking at In Laws and living with In laws in the WORST CASE Scenarios, such as them being awful, or following you around and so on, I mean there are good aspects to this.

And isn't it on how you look at this situation, or life style and how u take it?

Do we have to see it as Women suffering at the end of everyday, burying the Burdens...etc etc...

I have seen my friends and family marry and live with in laws and NO its not all Peaches N Cream everyday, But what makes u think that with them NOT there would be Perfect or better.

Nothing is every perfect in Marriage, with or without the In Laws.

Some or Most Joint families work nicely this way, AGAIN its how you take it...these people ALSO made the choice to take this positively from the get go...so they made it work.....Both sides.

Login to find out (November 24, 2005 at 2:41am)

Zztop, You're right "To each their own". However, let's keep in mind when it comes to living with in-laws, it's always the woman that suffers at the end.The guy on the other hand does'nt have to give up anything. The woman is the one that has to leave her family, sacrifice her job, her freedom, sanity, independence and abide by the in-laws rules. Usually, she does'nt have a choice in this matter. It can turn into a very ugly situation in the long run. I'm aware of many households where the guy would have to end choicing between his wife& kids and parents & siblings.

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 9:21pm)

to each their own i guess. if you dont want to follow desi culture, dont .. you can lead ur life whichever way u desire. i think many people consider it "cool" to state that they dont know what desi culture is (despite being desi), even though it only takes a couple of visit to desi websites on the 'net and a few 4-hr long hindi movies to catch up on it...lol. me personally, i like to learn about all cultures...but then i guess it varies from person to person.

pop culture and media has shown (rather humorously) via shows like "Everybody loves raymond" and the "king of queens" how annoying parents can be if they live with or near you (not that I totally agree with this media portrayal of in-laws).

plus, as i previously said, there are nursing homes aplenty. so if your offsprings kick u out or dont wanna live with u and ur mate passed away and u dont have a home, u can always be moved to a nursing home and play chess or yak yak with the other 80 somethings (H)

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 6:41pm)

Ladies, I wonder how our desi men feel about this topic. I 've adressed something similar on a another village and this guy told me that no "religious guy would put up with my views.
Another girl told me that us girls dont have a choice, it's either live this way or marry outside the race which I have no problems doing...lol

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 5:22pm)

I think we are a bit of an unfortunate generation because our parents may be stuck in the typical 'desi' way of thinking/expectations regarding living with children, whereas 'we' may have more liberal views because of the influences we've been exposed to growing up. It may be an easier subject to address with our children.... who knows???

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 2:31pm)

Its all good & I totally see where you are coming from. :)

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 2:04pm)

MEECHI my bad yaar :) that was a sweeping generalisation i made.....which i shouldn't have :) ur absolutely right.

I still feel that parents shouldn't 'expect' their children to live with them after they are married.

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 1:53pm)

*your right (oops!)

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 1:46pm)

FON - I completely your respect to have a differing opinion, but I think its unfair to say parents who want to live with their children are being selfish. I'm sure perhaps in some cases, but certainly not all. Not to mention that many of our parents grew up where the idea of having the in laws/extended family live together was not such a big deal.

I wouldn't use the term 'liberal' either, but I do think its indicative of how a base culture is exanding and being influenced, to an extent, anyway.

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 1:26pm)

MILA i don't think its a question of getting too liberal or westernised.....I feel in this day and age and especially in the west.....one's parents can live very independently both finanically and 'emotionally'.....and those parents who either insist or prefer to live with their kids, i think are being kinda selfish.

IF however, one's parents are ill then thats a totally different issue.

And im with SAHA....i haven't lived with my parents for yrs prior to marriage....and there's noway i could live with them now:P.......let alone live with someone else's parents and siblings :( :P

Login to find out (November 23, 2005 at 8:25am)

nice home cooked food every day??

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