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Love marriages vs. Arranged Marriages


I am curious about all you Desis out there that have had love marriages. Here are some of my questions:
1.) How long after dating the guy/girl did you tell your parents about him/her?
2.) How long after dating the guy/girl did you decide that you wanted to marry him/her?
3.)Did you have to lie to your parents a lot during the time that you were dating your future husband/wife, for example, have you had to lie to your parents about who you were spending time with, who you were talking to, etc?
4.)This question is for the MEN: Did you know from the early days when you first started dating your future wife that you were specifically dating her for the purpose of getting to know her for marriage, or were you just "casually" dating her at first, like non-Muslims do?
5.)This question is for the WOMEN: Did any of your relatives think you were a "slut" because you had a love marriage?
 

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Login to find out (June 29, 2005 at 10:06pm)
paradise.. ditto for a girl i knew in my uni days.. who went out with a sikh guy in her first semester..



lo and behold, sikh guy was soon relabelled boyfriend v. 1.0, with several other clones to follow..

during the middle of her studies her parents realised, and threw the book at her (i think her mum was accompanying her to lectures at one stage.....! and confiscated her mobile phone and banned her from leaving the house outside of uni...)..

she did the 'proper'(?!?!?!?!?) thing in the end and married her phuppo's son...... i think the whole story is dodgy.. personally i think there has to be something a bit wrong with you if you feel you need to be that duplicitous
 
Login to find out (June 29, 2005 at 9:42pm)
I know of a Desi Muslim girl who was dating this guy for 2 years in college (they went to the same college as me). Then all of a sudden, I hear that she went to India to have an arranged marriage to some guy that lived in India. A few months later, I hear that she got divorced. I am not sure why they divorced so soon after getting married, but what I heard through vicious gossip is that when the India husband found out on their wedding night that she wasn't a virgin, he decided he didn't want to be with her. Anyways, it was really weird what she did. I don't know the details about it, but I assume that her parents found out she was dating the guy from her college, decided he wasn't right for their daughter, and whisked her away to India to force her to marry someone she didn't even know. That is very wrong and absolutely ridiculous. I only hope that kind of thing doesn't happen very often nowadays.
 
Login to find out (June 29, 2005 at 2:23pm)
I know someone in a situation where she claims she loves this guy she's been talking to for 3 months, but her parents are arranging a marriage for her at the same time. I wonder how that's going to turn out.
 
Login to find out (June 28, 2005 at 11:07am)
staj, i totally agree with you.. but luckily i dont feel i've had to rebel too much because of the freedom i've been given.
 
Login to find out (June 28, 2005 at 9:46am)
Choti: Honestly, I am a real bad liar...I got caught once and never did it again because my father was very upset. Generally, my mother knows everything me and my brothers do or up to. My father has an idea but we dont really talk about it, hence he is the man in the house. But mainly, we are progressive/liberal. I think its good that my parents do talk about it and are open about it because if they didnt, and if they held us back everytime from doing things, we would become rebellious. The good thing is that, at least I think so, my brothers and I have a good balance in life. I have seen lots of kids who have become rotten because they have been suppressed and have become extremely liberal and have messed up their lives. So I think communication is very important with parents and children. When I have children, I want to be involved in their life from day one and talk to them about things and want to know what they are doing and where they are going and be there for them as a friend and a parent. So important these days.
 
Login to find out (June 28, 2005 at 5:35am)
Promakhos, SO is significant other.
 
Login to find out (June 28, 2005 at 3:47am)
PROM man u know how to keep it REAL lol....test drive ROFL....u r such a typical bloke...but in a nice way of course :D
 
Login to find out (June 27, 2005 at 6:24pm)
stajani, thats really good that you come from an open family. although my family are pretty liberal, there's still not enough communication hence at times when i've had to lie to them, especially in relation to dating. its something i'm not proud of
 
Login to find out (June 27, 2005 at 6:23pm)
lol irfani.. good luck in the arrangements!
 
Login to find out (June 27, 2005 at 6:03pm)
I'm gonna have an arranged marriage. Gonna arrange a love marriage
 
Login to find out (June 27, 2005 at 2:57pm)
Speaking of love marriages, in my family, including my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins and brothers all have had a love marriage and Mashallah no one has had a divorce. So we do believe in love marriages. We had a few marriages that were based on being introduced and getting to know one another before marriage. Besides, my family is pretty open about things and we all talk about things and COMMUNICATE which I dont see very often in other Muslim families. But I am ok with my parents introducing me to someone whom I can get to know and possibly think about being married to them. But the ones my parents have introduced me to, didnt really seem to be what I want. Now for dating, I would say its ok to get to know someone even if it takes a year or so, and then get married. Dating does not mean you sleep with them or being intimitely involved. So dont get me wrong...My parents actually encourage us to spend time with the SO before being married to them. Of course they dont say, hey go have sex or anything like that...Also in my family we are open about it, so I have never lied to my parents about the guys that I have met or hungout with. I am grateful to have family that understands this day and time and actually are pretty smart and knowledgeable about it :)
 
Login to find out (June 27, 2005 at 2:44pm)
I had a 'semi' arranged marriage too.. hence my complete suspicion of the arranged type of event.. and also of the dating method .. as both had pitfalls... there needs to be a decent medium (note decent is my friend's word..) seems i am more jaded then anyone else here... lol at irfani's halal fairytale where you 'greet' many frogs ..
 
Login to find out (June 27, 2005 at 11:10am)
i'm gonna have an arranged marriage. i'm gonna get mummy to choose him for me and when he comes to my house with his mummy and daddy, i will have my head covered and look down shyly. i will not look at him and try not to smile. i will of course say yes then marry him 2 months later when i will get to speak to him for the first time!
 
Login to find out (June 27, 2005 at 5:53am)
Why can't you have it Mila? You have to greet many frogs before one becomes the prince. I modifed the phrase to make it halal :)
 
Login to find out (June 27, 2005 at 2:30am)
The "Westen" idea of dating dosnt always relate the same way to us, in some cases, some desi youngin do date western style, meaning give it all up, and then have many partners, or relationships before marriage, (not at the same time of course lol).
But I think its sweet to have a love marriage, Love should be there before you decide to marry the person you are gonna be havin kids with and waking up next to FOREVER.
True MANY of us we meet someone and within a VERY short time know that this match is the one and you take it from there and date and plan....GOsh its so beautiful.....I am so depressed I cant have that....
 
Login to find out (June 26, 2005 at 8:52pm)
I feel exactly the same way that you do, Shazaam. My marriage was also arranged, and I want to have a "love" marriage this time around. Also, since I am an adult woman and not controlled by my parents, I won't need to hide anything from them or sneak around. Those love marriages that occur when the couple is really young is sweet and romantic, but I am glad that as an older, mature, wiser woman I will be able to find a man I can fall in love with, rather than as a young girl.
 
Login to find out (June 26, 2005 at 11:06am)
Paradise - that is romantic, esp when a couple was once young, fell in love,
got married, stayed married and are still happily in love with a family. I don't know too many of those stories and I wish I could have a story like that of my own.
Unfortunately, I didn't have a 'love' marriage. I was semi-arranged to my ex.
I've realized that I do need to fall in 'love' first before I get married again. It's very important to me that I
have a spiritual and physical connection
to my husband. I don't know if I'd do the
semi-arranged marriage again, given that I'm older now and really know what I want out of a marriage/significant other. :)
 
Login to find out (June 24, 2005 at 6:24am)
aww how sweet.. but i'm not gonna date anyone 14 years now before marriage!
 
Login to find out (June 24, 2005 at 5:57am)
I know a couple that had a love marriage who started dating when the girl was only 14. I think he was about 17. The girl is 28 now and they have a child and they are very happy. Very romantic indeed.
 
Login to find out (June 22, 2005 at 3:53am)
1) told my parents almost 3 yrs after we started seeing each other.....2)we both knew within 4-5 months of seeing each other that we would end up getting married...3)i moved out of my parents house a few yrs ago so no i didnt have to lie to them since i wasnt living with them......5)LOL i'm pretty sure my folks don't think i'm a slut (well i hope not lol) for having a 'luv' marriage....to be honest most of my cousins have all had 'luv' marriages....so its not that much of an issue.