see www.aircraftresourcecenter.com

plus gratuitous jokes

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

*****
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get scr*wed!"

*****
One day in The Garden Of Eden, Eve called out to God to come down to talk to her.

"What's the problem, Eve?" "Well, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"I am lonely," said Eve, "and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, God?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll generally give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger and faster, and can help protect you, and will like to hunt and kill things to eat.

He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice sometimes to think properly."

"Sounds great." said Eve. She raised an eyebrow ironically. "What's the catch?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, God?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

*****
American proverbs

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.