Men and Dark ages

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I was talking to a friend the other day and she had been introduced to a guy through her family. When she spoke to him he seemed like a nice guy. She told him she liked going out with her friends and her career was important to her. But when his family came to her house to talk about the rishtaa his father stated clearly that girls in their family after marriage could not go out with their friends and the only friend they had was their husband. My friend was trying to make eye contact with the guy to encourage him to say something but he remained quite. When he called the next day he acted as if everything was normal and nothing had been said.

Why are men so scared of their parents and if they don't like something why can't they simply say it to the girls face instead of hiding behind their parents. The guy who came for my friends rishtaa had been to one of the best university's and was a surgeon you would think that with all that education he would have learnt to think for himself and not live in the dark ages.

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Momo, had i not gone to the educational institution (and lived away from home) that i had i probably would not have this self-motivated analysis.

Btw, Miral, I just wanted to clarify that, in my mind, it's not your engineering education that has helped you in your outlook, but your self-motivated analysis of the world and of how things work. Watchu think about that?

heh, what a knob. i think it's good for one's spouse to hang out with his/her friends. every couple needs some time away from each other. luckily my dad would never say such a thing. at least i don't think he would... i haven't had one of those wonderful "meetings" yet.

You know what makes me laugh ... economics professors getting nobel prizes for stuff my dada and other elders (uneducated people) used to teach me LOOOONG ago, when I was a child growing up in a small village. I've had such a lengthy exposure to formal education that I've come to the conclusion that it's all silly ... UNLESS it's accompanied by introspection and self-motivated or guided world analysis. And my last comment said more about who does that more.

Miral, you're right about the exposure. I incorrectly equated "exposure" with "better outlook and understanding." People with a higher education are usually exposed to more ideas. Unrelated to that statement, I'd say that a person who's more formally educated has a greater likelihood of being brainwashed into thinking that what s/he has learned from "these great professors" is correct ... is the truth. I think a "better outlook" is a product of introspection and self-motivated analysis of the world. Often, this comes from being in tough positions. Highly educated people are, as a category, far more protected from the harsher realities of life than those on the ground ... who struggle on a daily basis and for whom introspection and world-analysis may be a forced reality.

im not talking about who has a better outlook or whatever.

hey, i was an engineering undergrad student. and like i said, formal education means he was exposed to an environment and other ideas. he was more likely to be exposed to other ideas than the average uneducated person would. i am not making saying that edumacated folks are more open-minded. just saying that if you attended an educational institutional of sorts...the probably of you getting exposed to other ideas is higher

Some ppl with no education at all have a better outlook on life but my point is that men who are brought up outside of Pakistan /India have no excuse for this behaviour. The next day when the guy spoke to her he didn't mention anything and when she did try and bring the topic up he said that after they got married it would be fine his dad would understand. My friend is not going through with the rishta. Life is hard as it is why make life difficult by getting married to someone who stops you from doing normal things.When you marry someone you marry him and his family so you need to be able to understand both the family and the person.

But why can't the father understand a normal concept such as a wife having a life outside her marriage? When men say that there parents will understand once the couple get married and not to worry about issues raised.

That causes a problem because it always remains an issue.

Anon, LOL!!!! You're about to get attacked by some peoples. Brotha hiiide. Btw, congrats on being done with the boards! MIRAL, Formal education in some types of humanities and social sciences does mean something. You're right. But Formal Education as a larger category doesn't. I don't mean to cap on engineers and stuff ... but a math education just doesn't expose young minds to other ideas. And, even within the humanities and social sciences, there's soooo much brainwashing going on about the absolutely wrong ideas. I guess I've talked to toooo many highly educated people without a real understanding of life (we're talking humanities phd's from ivies), and at the same time I've lived with and/or talked to lots of people with very, very low education levels but who understand life and the world MUCH better than the first group. I myself taught english/philosophy to undergrads at a so-called good school, and I remember some of the stuff that other people were teaching the kids. Some of the education, given the professor's powerful and influencial position, may do more harm than good to young minds. Watchu think about that?

I agree with Momo's original comment -- there is not enough in this je to really say anything. Did your friend talk to the guy subsequently about this stuff? Culture places so much emphasis on respecting your parents that I don't see why its hard to see the conflict here. Anyway, other people appear to have their judgment clouded by a combination of too much estrogen and second-helpings of man hating (women scorned?).

i agree with Mehnaz

Formal education means that the guy was more likely exposed to 'other' ideas besides his own. So, it does mean SOMETHING.

The guys an idiot, so is his dad, dont marry them.

One thing always to remember is that formal education means absolutely NOTHING about a person's understanding of things. Why in the world do girls think that? I'm not talkin about any girls in particular ... just girls in general, as a category. And they like this same formal education (aka degrees) in a "prospective" guy, without understanding this elementary idea. THIS is what I don't understand.

It makes you wonder how educated men can end up with no brains.
I think that it doesn't matter how old the parents are you should still be able to communicate with them even if it means disagreeing with their views.
Its important for the guy to be able to communicate with his parents otherwise that will cause problems when he gets married. If his wife doesn't agree with something his parents want her to do and he has difficulty raising issues with his parents it will cause a huge problem.

He didn't bring it up the next day. He could have made eye contact with her or winked or acknowledged her somehow. I don't think it has anything to do with respecting ones parents.

Well, it's good to know that he hides behind mummy and daddy NOW rather than find out LATER.

I can understand what you are both saying - it would have been rude of him to disagree in front of his parents. There were many other restrictions the father told my friend about.

Its not very common for a girls family to set of restrictions like that but the guys family usually do and I think its unfair.

Its hard to marry someone when there are so many restrictions especially if you are not use to it. No one should stop you from doing anything differently after you marry.

The guy in question is lame.

Yup absolutely Zibby. ILM, there are a lot of problematic things that elders say to me (elders I respect very, very much) that I just listen to without disagreeing with them overtly. I don't disagree overtly cuz (1) I know it doesn't affect my life or anyone else's, and (2) I don't think they're gonna change their views after 60-plus years. So I think that even tho this guy wasn't overtly disagreeing with his father, your friend should try to look into whether that's really gonna affect her.

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Men and Dark ages

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