RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will
cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. Then
she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' and
get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m.
on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just
called to let you know you ruined my life? I'll never
forgive you? I hate you? you're a total floozy. ..but,
I want you to know that there's always a chance for
us.'

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three
things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate
about money, they don't know football nearly as well
as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about their experiences with women.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most
17-year old females can function as adults. Most
17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why
high school romances rarely work out.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap,
and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
wouldn?t be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs
and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from
going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but
when women aren't looking, men hiss at them.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her
children. She knows about dentist appointments and
soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping,
water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone,
read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man
will wear every article of clothing he owns, including
his surgical pants that were hip about eight years
ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old American sitcoms.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes
through a variety of complicated emotional,
psychological, and biological changes. The nature and
degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he
buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when
they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As
they get older, their toys simply become more
expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's
toys: little miniature TV's, Graphic equalizers, Video
games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at
least six 'D' batteries to operate.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man
can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any
more than that and he will look like a lounge singer
named Ramone.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in
five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of
time as when a man says the football game just has
five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole
time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words
all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or
?Got anymore beer?'

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological
reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in
a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history of
the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to use
the ?little boys? room. Do you want to join me?'