Mom-in-Laws: An Unfair Reputation
by Sumayya Usmani

The way to your man's heart is through your relationship with your mom-in-law. There is no denying that the most delicate relationship of all times is that of a girl and her mother-in-law. Before you read any further, you must know that this is not one of those typical mom-in-law bashing articles. It's about time we tried to make sense of this relationship and learnt how to make the most of it.

However, it would be right to say that the rivalry between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws is infamous for a reason, as it really does exist. The mother must love her child enough to let him grow up and become fully independent. The bride must walk into an existing family and try to become part of it. So the potential for conflict between mother and wife is high as roles and expectations change. For the groom, one family becomes two and how he negotiates between them is crucial. The transition is not an easy one for the bride and it?s difficult to compromise in a relationship you really didn't ask for. But here is where a clever girl can learn to play her cards right and map her future smoothly if she handles her mom-in-law with care. It is for those of us, that are new brides, in a home to make sure we try and adjust with the new surroundings, way of living and especially with our new 'mother figure'. Admittedly a mom-in-law cannot take the place of one's mother but she is the mother of the man you have to spend your life with and that is something you can never change. The only thing you can do in a situation where you have to live with your in laws (or even if you don't) is to either make your life miserable with constant unpleasantness or go out of your way to be the best you can be, and that will in most circumstances leave you the winner, with both your mom-in-law and your husband.

When a mother-in-law seems unreason-able to you, don't try to push it onto your husband. He will see it for himself in due time. In the mean time, try and get along with her... That's all you can do... Remember it is difficult for them as much as us, very often when a mother realizes that another woman's opinion is more important than hers, and the ?new woman's? advice is taken more seriously than hers. This is upsetting for her and not all women deal with this change easily.

Mothers who are connected to their sons often have difficulty when it is time for them to get married, particularly as the wedding date nears, and sometimes even after the wedding day. It is difficult for them to concede that their son is marrying another woman who will become the focus of his life, when for so many years that man was the focus of their lives. This is compounded with some feelings of envy or beliefs that nobody can be an adequate wife for their son. Your mother-in-law may be one of the types who is outwardly rude or obnoxious to you, or one who simply passes underhanded snide remarks. Either way, usually these actions you can deal with if you can show that they do not affect you. It is up to the younger person coming into an already set up family to make every effort to respect her in laws and show them that you are not a threat to them but an asset to their family.

Try to be patient. It is certainly difficult to understand why they may act the way they do, but unfortunately you cannot pick your family - you just marry into it. So try to find a way to deal with your mother-in-law. There are many ways you can attempt to cope. One highly successful strategy is to "kill them with kindness". Invite her to a lunch once in a way. Send her flowers on her birthday. If she's not around, leave her a message telling her that you're out for the day and not to worry. Although you may not respect her demeanor, respect the fact that she brought a wonderful man into the world, your husband. By invoking this strategy, your mother-in-law has no right to hold a grudge against you or say anything negative about you. You are being the bigger person.

If you are willing to face a confrontation, consider directly asking your mother-in-law why she seems so apprehensive towards you. Explain to her that you love her son and have only the best of intentions. Hopefully, your mother-in-law can come to some sort of understanding with you. However, sometimes this option can backfire and cause further resentment if taken the wrong way so use your words wisely.

If these options do not work, try to maintain a distance from your mother-in-law and hope that time will improve the situation. If you live with your in-laws try to explain to your husband in kind words that to maintain a happy marriage it may be better for you to get your own place, and if you have not been outwardly rude and defensive to her, your husband will know you have done your best to make it work. However, if over time she is outwardly rude to you, you may want to consider abandoning any confrontational communication with your mother-in-law for the safety of your relationship with your husband. Try not to involve your husband too much because he will not take it well if he sees you showing disrespect to his mother, even if she's to blame.

It takes two to tango and you can do all you like to make it work out with your mom-in-law and vice versa. It begins from your mom-in-law putting herself into your shoes, one's that she has been in before herself, as once she was a daughter-in-law as well, and reminisce about the emotions she went through. For a girl it is hard enough for her to leave the security of her parent's home and enter another home and be expected to make all sorts of compromises, and a difficult mother-in-law only adds three-folds to her difficulties. But in saying that girls as new wives and daughter-in-laws have to be more adjusting and polite in their dealing with their in-laws because in many circumstances they are just as much to blame for the retaliation of mother-in-laws, so girls need to get off their high horse sometimes and deal with their responsibilities as daughter-in-laws. However, if a mom-in-law is downright difficult no matter what you do - Good luck to you!

It is time however, that we shed our pre-existing and typecast notions of evil mother-in-laws. This relationship can be one of a kind in many positive ways, if nurtured with respect and tolerance, this can be a very special relationship that can turn into a strong friendship and admiration for each other. After all they both love the same man in very different ways and where your relationship with your husband will be unique, so is his with his mother. Since we can never tear them away from their mom's its better to make him love and respect you more for loving his mother, leaving you the one with a higher moral standing and a happier marriage.