Village Journals
Resonate your identity with Naseeb journals. Express your opinions, share your thoughts, post your writings and connect with like minded people through the power of expression.
Resonate your identity with Naseeb journals. Express your opinions, share your thoughts, post your writings and connect with like minded people through the power of expression.
My story
Okay, I'm going to be brave and post one of my stories and hopefully get some feedback. My goal is to write stories that encourages good morals and character but also help early readers to improve their reading skills and vocabulary. Thanking you in advance:)
Peace
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Fefe's Day in Town
In class, teacher Iyna asks the children what they want to be when they grow up. " I want to be a clown shouted Billy, "I want to be a dancer" Lina giggled, "I want to be a policeman,? Adam said. And what do you want to be Fefe?" teacher Iyna asked. Fefe thought for a while, finally she answered with a shrug and a sigh, "I don't know." Fefe was sad.
That evening at the dinner table Fefe only looked at her plate. "What's the matter Fefe?" Mother asked. "Everyone knows what they want to be when they grow up except me, I don't know what I want to be when I group up" she answered sadly and a tear fell from her eyes. "Don't worry Fefe" Grandfather said, "you can go out with me tomorrow, you will see many people and things." Fefe smiled, she liked going out with Grandfather, because they always had so much fun. She quickly ate her dinner, took her bath and went to bed.
The next day, she got up bright and early. "Are you ready Fefe?" Grandfather asked "we have many places to go and many things to do" he smiled. He took her hand and they walked to the bus stop. After a few minutes the bus came. "Good morning Fefe" said Bus Driver Reeves as she opened the door. They got on the bus and rode into town.
The first place they went was to the dentist to check her teeth. "Very good Fefe, your teeth are clean and healthy" smiled Dr. Joha and gave her a prize.
Then they went to the Post Office to mail Uncle Hajji a letter. "Two stamps and an envelope please" Fefe said. "Here you are" smiled Post lady Kiana. Fefe sealed her letter in the envelope and put two stamps on the front. Now it's ready to go.
Next they went to the Library to return Fefe's book. "Good morning Mrs. Jona" Fefe said as she handed in her book. "Good morning Fefe," smiled the librarian "how are you today?" she asked. Fefe showed her prize.
Now Fefe and Grandfather were hot and thirsty. They stopped at the local Grocery Store "two ice cream sandwiches and cold water please" Grandfather said to the shopkeeper. "Here you are, that will be 3 dollars and 10 cents." the shopkeeper replied. Grandfather and Fefe sat on a bench and ate their ice cream sandwiches and drank their water.
Grandfather and Fefe walked to the town park. Fefe played on the swings and slide. She waved to Ms. Jones the park security guard. She let Fefe sit on her horse and blow her whistle. Then they were on their way to visit Grandfathers friend in the hospital.
They bought some pretty flowers from the flower shop. "Some pretty flowers for our friend please" Fefe asked. "Which color would you like?" asked the florist. "The yellow and white one please" Fefe replied. "What pretty flowers Fefe" Grandfather smiled.
"Wait Fefe!" Grandfather cried. "You must wait for the light to turn green before you can cross or you may get hurt." Fefe held grandfathers and waited for the light to turn green. She saw Officer Hannah directing the traffic and making sure no one got hurt. "You may cross now Fefe" smile Officer Hannah," but only if you hold grandfather's hand"
Just as they got to the other side, they heard loud sirens. Officer Hannah made all the cars stop so that the fire truck could pass. "There's firefighter Jenny, she's going to put out a fire and save lives" Fefe said waving to the fire fighters. They are very brave she thought.
At the hospital Fefe made Mr. Randall smile, "what lovely flowers Fefe," he said, "thank you very much."
Nurse Nora put the flowers in water so that they wouldn't die. They sat and talked to Mr. Randall for a while then they got up to leave. There was still much to see and do today. "Goodbye Mr. Randall, Goodbye Nurse Lee.
Next, grandfather went to see Dr. Lang. It was time for his yearly check up. She helped Grandfather onto the bed. She let Fefe listen to his heartbeat. The doctor checked his heart and his lungs, his eyes and his ears and finally said, "You are healthy and ready to go".
Grandfather and Fefe walked to the zoo. They saw all the animals. "Look Fefe" grandfather pointed. Fefe smiled, she saw her aunt, Dr. Lola holding a baby lion. She waved to her aunt "What are you doing Auntie Lola?" she asked. "Well Fefe, this little lion is sick, so I'm giving her a shot to make her feel better." she answered "that is what veterinarians do, they take care of sick animals."
Now it's time to get ready to go home Grandfather said, but first we must pick up some things for Mother and Grandmother from the butcher and bakery. They went to the butcher shop. "Good afternoon," said the butcher as they entered "what can I get you?" she asked. Grandfather looked at his list, "1 pound of chicken and 1 pound of ground beef please." he answered. The butcher gave them their order "have a nice day" Fefe waved.
They crossed the street to go the bakery. "Good afternoon Mrs. Fay Fay" Fefe smiled at the baker. "Well, good afternoon Fefe" she sang cheerfully. "What would you like today?" she asked. "We would like 2 loaves of bread and 10 dinner rolls" Fefe replied. Mrs. Fay Fay put everything in a bag and handed it to Grandfather. She also gave Fefe a small bag of her special fresh baked honey-apple cookies. Fefe said thank you and skipped out of the bakery.
Grandfather waved for a tax and got in. Grandfather let Fefe sit in the front. "Where to?" asked the taxi driver. "To home" Fefe said as she nibbled on a cookie.
The next day Teacher Iyna asked Fefe if she thought about what she wanted to be when she grew up. Fefe stood up and smiled. "I want to be an astronaut,? Fefe said proudly. "Really??" everyone was shocked. Fefe smiled again and replied "yesterday, Grandfather took me to town and we saw many things, now I want to go to the moon and see many more things!" she laughed.
And that?s just what she did!
Peace
*********************************** ***********
Fefe's Day in Town
In class, teacher Iyna asks the children what they want to be when they grow up. " I want to be a clown shouted Billy, "I want to be a dancer" Lina giggled, "I want to be a policeman,? Adam said. And what do you want to be Fefe?" teacher Iyna asked. Fefe thought for a while, finally she answered with a shrug and a sigh, "I don't know." Fefe was sad.
That evening at the dinner table Fefe only looked at her plate. "What's the matter Fefe?" Mother asked. "Everyone knows what they want to be when they grow up except me, I don't know what I want to be when I group up" she answered sadly and a tear fell from her eyes. "Don't worry Fefe" Grandfather said, "you can go out with me tomorrow, you will see many people and things." Fefe smiled, she liked going out with Grandfather, because they always had so much fun. She quickly ate her dinner, took her bath and went to bed.
The next day, she got up bright and early. "Are you ready Fefe?" Grandfather asked "we have many places to go and many things to do" he smiled. He took her hand and they walked to the bus stop. After a few minutes the bus came. "Good morning Fefe" said Bus Driver Reeves as she opened the door. They got on the bus and rode into town.
The first place they went was to the dentist to check her teeth. "Very good Fefe, your teeth are clean and healthy" smiled Dr. Joha and gave her a prize.
Then they went to the Post Office to mail Uncle Hajji a letter. "Two stamps and an envelope please" Fefe said. "Here you are" smiled Post lady Kiana. Fefe sealed her letter in the envelope and put two stamps on the front. Now it's ready to go.
Next they went to the Library to return Fefe's book. "Good morning Mrs. Jona" Fefe said as she handed in her book. "Good morning Fefe," smiled the librarian "how are you today?" she asked. Fefe showed her prize.
Now Fefe and Grandfather were hot and thirsty. They stopped at the local Grocery Store "two ice cream sandwiches and cold water please" Grandfather said to the shopkeeper. "Here you are, that will be 3 dollars and 10 cents." the shopkeeper replied. Grandfather and Fefe sat on a bench and ate their ice cream sandwiches and drank their water.
Grandfather and Fefe walked to the town park. Fefe played on the swings and slide. She waved to Ms. Jones the park security guard. She let Fefe sit on her horse and blow her whistle. Then they were on their way to visit Grandfathers friend in the hospital.
They bought some pretty flowers from the flower shop. "Some pretty flowers for our friend please" Fefe asked. "Which color would you like?" asked the florist. "The yellow and white one please" Fefe replied. "What pretty flowers Fefe" Grandfather smiled.
"Wait Fefe!" Grandfather cried. "You must wait for the light to turn green before you can cross or you may get hurt." Fefe held grandfathers and waited for the light to turn green. She saw Officer Hannah directing the traffic and making sure no one got hurt. "You may cross now Fefe" smile Officer Hannah," but only if you hold grandfather's hand"
Just as they got to the other side, they heard loud sirens. Officer Hannah made all the cars stop so that the fire truck could pass. "There's firefighter Jenny, she's going to put out a fire and save lives" Fefe said waving to the fire fighters. They are very brave she thought.
At the hospital Fefe made Mr. Randall smile, "what lovely flowers Fefe," he said, "thank you very much."
Nurse Nora put the flowers in water so that they wouldn't die. They sat and talked to Mr. Randall for a while then they got up to leave. There was still much to see and do today. "Goodbye Mr. Randall, Goodbye Nurse Lee.
Next, grandfather went to see Dr. Lang. It was time for his yearly check up. She helped Grandfather onto the bed. She let Fefe listen to his heartbeat. The doctor checked his heart and his lungs, his eyes and his ears and finally said, "You are healthy and ready to go".
Grandfather and Fefe walked to the zoo. They saw all the animals. "Look Fefe" grandfather pointed. Fefe smiled, she saw her aunt, Dr. Lola holding a baby lion. She waved to her aunt "What are you doing Auntie Lola?" she asked. "Well Fefe, this little lion is sick, so I'm giving her a shot to make her feel better." she answered "that is what veterinarians do, they take care of sick animals."
Now it's time to get ready to go home Grandfather said, but first we must pick up some things for Mother and Grandmother from the butcher and bakery. They went to the butcher shop. "Good afternoon," said the butcher as they entered "what can I get you?" she asked. Grandfather looked at his list, "1 pound of chicken and 1 pound of ground beef please." he answered. The butcher gave them their order "have a nice day" Fefe waved.
They crossed the street to go the bakery. "Good afternoon Mrs. Fay Fay" Fefe smiled at the baker. "Well, good afternoon Fefe" she sang cheerfully. "What would you like today?" she asked. "We would like 2 loaves of bread and 10 dinner rolls" Fefe replied. Mrs. Fay Fay put everything in a bag and handed it to Grandfather. She also gave Fefe a small bag of her special fresh baked honey-apple cookies. Fefe said thank you and skipped out of the bakery.
Grandfather waved for a tax and got in. Grandfather let Fefe sit in the front. "Where to?" asked the taxi driver. "To home" Fefe said as she nibbled on a cookie.
The next day Teacher Iyna asked Fefe if she thought about what she wanted to be when she grew up. Fefe stood up and smiled. "I want to be an astronaut,? Fefe said proudly. "Really??" everyone was shocked. Fefe smiled again and replied "yesterday, Grandfather took me to town and we saw many things, now I want to go to the moon and see many more things!" she laughed.
And that?s just what she did!
Comments on this journal
Peace
(H)
Peace
Peace
The use of dialogue is also good. I feel this story is written for a younger audience, and in my mind I felt a picture book with all the characters and voices would serve well. Because there are a lot of characters that only participate superficially in the story. Which is fine, because that is the point of the story...the many people she meets.
It is the fact that Fefe meets so many people, and learns about so many professions that her initial despair disappears and she feels she has seen it all. It shows her sense of humor, as well as yours, that she says she has to go to the moon to see more. I like that the end has a twist.
The beginning is good and solid. Throughout, I wanted Fefe and grandfather to talk more to each other. Each meeting could be structured a little differently maybe. As they leave each scenario, I would like to see Fefe say something, or realise something new. To keep to the overall short length of the story, you may need to shorten and lengthen different scenarios in order to acheive some variety. That would make it more interesting.
Also, the ending comes abruptly, and I'd like to see her come home and talk with her mom that night about her day, in some way insert the idea of the moon earlier on so that it does not come entirely as a surprise in the end. Foreshadowing, it's called.
Also, I'd suggest getting a style guide for writing. The best one is Strunk and White's Manual of Style. The punctuation surrounding the dialogue has a certain set of rules that apply to it. It will help you to apply the correct punctuation. I'm sorry that I am not practised enough to correct it for you - I need to refer to the rules when writing dialogue all the time!
This is a great first draft. By that I mean that it has a great bunch of ideas, now you need to revise it to make a second draft. In addition to my comments, you might want to have someone else read it. Or even, set it aside for a while and come back to it yourself with a fresh eye. You will then understand what it is that you want to say, and be able to say it with more effect.
Keep writing, and keep sending in more. Again, I apologize for taking so long.