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Something for the Men who are Emotionally Abused
Some of these are similar in both women and men.
"Marry the man today -- and change his ways tomorrow!"
--Lyric from Broadway musical Guys & Dolls
Our culture excessively, irrationally accepts the "I'll Change Him" philosophy, where a woman selects and then "molds" a partner to her liking.
Certainly, equal loving partners may decide to change their physical HABITS to please each other -- but a person should NOT be asked to change their LIFESTYLE, PERSONALITY, HOBBIES, or CAREER CHOICES.
If your partner asks you to be or become a different person, remind them that they originally selected you as yourself. If their preferences have now changed, then they should either attend counseling with you, or admit that the partnership has ended -- so that you will be free to find a new partner who loves you for who you are.
COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted)
* She was verbally abused as a child, witnessed it in her own family, or was verbally abused by a previous partner.
* She has low self-esteem.
* She has an intense temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Her sense of power or control depends on her partner's acquiescence and his performance per her demands. She feels "in control" only if her partner is totally passive and giving in to all of her preferences and decisions.
* She has rigid expectations or fantasies of marriage, partnership, or men, and will not compromise. She expects him to behave according to her expectations of what her partner should be like; perhaps the way her parents' marriage was, or its opposite. She demands that he change to accommodate her expectations.
* She projects the blame for all relationship difficulties onto her partner. She wouldn't get angry if only he would be who she wants him to be... She wouldn't drink if he didn't make her unhappy... She denies the need for counseling because there's "nothing wrong with her, only with him." She might not want him to get counseling because she's threatened by the threat of an outsider "taking sides" with him.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Her primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with her husband/boyfriend.
* She may be described as having a dual personality -- she is either sweet or exceptionally cruel and sharp. She is selfish or generous depending on her mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. She can be sweet, calm, charming and convincing.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to her partner as a person in his own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when she's angry. She assumes that he is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often her father (or other family member or authority figure).
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
Does your partner try to isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner limit your access to work or material resources?
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance (clammed up) and being very close?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Has your partner ever thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you?
Are you afraid of your partner?
www.lilaclane.com
"Marry the man today -- and change his ways tomorrow!"
--Lyric from Broadway musical Guys & Dolls
Our culture excessively, irrationally accepts the "I'll Change Him" philosophy, where a woman selects and then "molds" a partner to her liking.
Certainly, equal loving partners may decide to change their physical HABITS to please each other -- but a person should NOT be asked to change their LIFESTYLE, PERSONALITY, HOBBIES, or CAREER CHOICES.
If your partner asks you to be or become a different person, remind them that they originally selected you as yourself. If their preferences have now changed, then they should either attend counseling with you, or admit that the partnership has ended -- so that you will be free to find a new partner who loves you for who you are.
COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted)
* She was verbally abused as a child, witnessed it in her own family, or was verbally abused by a previous partner.
* She has low self-esteem.
* She has an intense temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Her sense of power or control depends on her partner's acquiescence and his performance per her demands. She feels "in control" only if her partner is totally passive and giving in to all of her preferences and decisions.
* She has rigid expectations or fantasies of marriage, partnership, or men, and will not compromise. She expects him to behave according to her expectations of what her partner should be like; perhaps the way her parents' marriage was, or its opposite. She demands that he change to accommodate her expectations.
* She projects the blame for all relationship difficulties onto her partner. She wouldn't get angry if only he would be who she wants him to be... She wouldn't drink if he didn't make her unhappy... She denies the need for counseling because there's "nothing wrong with her, only with him." She might not want him to get counseling because she's threatened by the threat of an outsider "taking sides" with him.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Her primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with her husband/boyfriend.
* She may be described as having a dual personality -- she is either sweet or exceptionally cruel and sharp. She is selfish or generous depending on her mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. She can be sweet, calm, charming and convincing.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to her partner as a person in his own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when she's angry. She assumes that he is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often her father (or other family member or authority figure).
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
Does your partner try to isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner limit your access to work or material resources?
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance (clammed up) and being very close?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Has your partner ever thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you?
Are you afraid of your partner?
www.lilaclane.com
Comments on this journal
its really disgusting and sad. but its the truth, and people should be aware of how frequent it is for awareness to make it stop, for the victims to not suffer alone, and for the perpetrator to know that society is watching them.
www.batteredmenshelpline.org
as for the issue about emotional abuse, safsar is right, the abused in most cases have a hard time to realize the abuse has occured, and tend to let their selfconfidence melt rather then realize their self worth.
the message has to be available to everyone, so that they can identify with it when they are the abused, and start to take action and realize they are not alone and whenever they feel they are not sure if they are in an abusive relationship, then the answer is almost always yes they are.
the first step is relating to the message, second is having couseling available on hand.