Whoever said that it's possible to be friends with an ex-girlfriend obviously never tried being friends with an idiot who treated them like sh*t when they both split up. I wouldn't say it's impossible, but it definitely isn't easy.

When there is an ocean of bullsh*t so wide and deep you can't build a bridge across it, friendship doesn't really seem like an option. After a few faulty attempts at being friends with my very own psycho-b*tch, I finally found a way to make it work. All we have to do is follow a few simple rules...


1. Steamroll her mobile before you go anywhere.

All a mobile does is give you insights into her personal life that you really do not need nor want to know. There are few things that are more annoying than watching your ex calling every guy in her phone book looking for a date for later on that evening. Almost as annoying is watching her giggle at the voice of the last guy who boned her...

2. Do NOT reminisce!

The relationship is over. Keep it that way. There is no need to talk about what once was, because it is no longer. There are only two things you can reminisce about. The good times and the bad ones. Taking a stroll down good time memory lane will bring back warm fuzzy feelings and makes all of the bullsh*t seem minimal. Inevitably, you'll want to relive the past and that's just something that can't be done. On the other hand, flashing back on the cesspit that your relationship turned into isn't a good idea either. Within minutes you'll want to make sure that a steamroller runs over her as well as her mobile. Not the makings of a healthy friendship.

3. Do NOT discuss any lingering issues.

What's the point? Will it really change anything? Knowing that you could've spent the night at her place instead of driving home in the middle of a winter storm four months ago changes nothing about the current situation. What she would've done, meant to say, and used to feel is irrelevant. Don't torture yourself with useless information.

4. Only spend time together one on one.

Whenever you hang out with the ex turned friend be sure that it's always just you and her. This is not to say that you can't go out in public, it just means that you won't be hanging out with her friends and she won't be hanging out with yours. Hanging out in groups of friends invites too much room for invasion into personal lives. Dangerous territory you must stay away from. Besides you two need to be alone because privacy is needed when practicing a policy of issue avoidance.

5. Do NOT spend more than TWO HOURS together.

Anything worth doing can be done in two hours. A movie takes two hours. Dinner takes an hour and a half. A game of bowling takes an hours. There is no reason to spend more than two hours together. After the two hour mark, you run out of things to say and do. Then you realize that there is something you could do and normally would be doing but can't because you're no longer supposed to be doing it.