The R-I-C-E Effect

Login to find out (August 17, 2005 at 11:17pm)

it's not really the idea of there being any competition in the marriage. I'm just saying that it's human nature to bring up such petty issues as money in disagreements or discussions, and it is a VERY sensitive topic that people take VERY personally (even if it is their significant other who speaks of it).
Even though people believe they are incapable of being touched by such pettiness, it does seem to happen a lot and it's not something any culture or society will easily give in to - especially if it just so happens that the woman makes more money than the man.

Login to find out (August 17, 2005 at 7:39pm)

haha atabbara that's too funny...i've never myself been involved in these negotiations or seen it happen but if i ever do it sounds like i am going to have to hire a laweyer...heheeheee maybe its an arab back home thing? and are you serious that this happens? do they make a list and check it twice?

Login to find out (August 17, 2005 at 5:24pm)

atbbara i am just saying that if you were married and you both contributed equally (nothing wrong with that) then your wife had to take time off for the kids or a complicated pregnancy you may have to work twice as hard to provide.....so in the end its really what you're willling to tolerate....

hana haha i know strange how we got here.......westcoastgurl i know really we shouldn't put too much emphasis on this...when you love someone you choose to live with them through thick and thin...you know what's interesting is how some people treat their marriage like its some kind of fued where they have to "win"

Login to find out (August 17, 2005 at 5:22pm)

that's what I was wondering.....how did we get from "rest, ice, compression, elevation" to how people should raise their families???
Oh well, things always take an interesting turn, don't they?

I know there is paterninty leave cuz one of my managers just came back from it.....lol..he's become sooo much more aware of his children, and says he can be a better father to them now that he understands them :)

I'd like to see Atabbara's comment, if possible :) ( you know how it is with us non-premium members ;) )

Login to find out (August 17, 2005 at 3:23pm)

Westcoastgurl, there is paternity leave!!! in sweden , i know for a fact, there is a paternity leave, although not as long as the maternity leave...

i also agree with Atabbara as it's "their" home, and things today are not the same as in the past, especially money wise, so both have to pitch in to live a respectable life...

what brought us here, guys?! from the RICE effect to this?!! my goodness!!!! :)

Login to find out (August 17, 2005 at 2:21am)

I like the idea of paternity leave.....makes things a little more level - the whole role-reversal idea (to a certain extent, of course).

I don't think it is fair for either spouse to ever mention the financial contributions each makes to the family ( a VERY touchy subject that can easily ruin a perfectly good relationship)...even though it is very important to make sure that your family is comfortably settled.

Login to find out (August 16, 2005 at 10:54pm)

wait how did we get to the woman having to spend on the household? isn't that the man's job? its his home...even if a woman makes more money than her husband its still his job to provide i think...suppose you both get used to the life style that the woman's income provides. given that women are the ones that have to have pregnancies and are not as physically strong (please no hate mail that's why we don't compete in the same events in the olympics) when the woman has to take time off for maternity leave or a complicated pregnancy then their standard of living will detriorate...and besides what's left for the man to do if the woman does everything? thaks atabbara that joke is funny...oh and if everyone else is getting a sugar mama then i want one too lol

Login to find out (August 16, 2005 at 9:55pm)

Attabarra: Funny joke! You're right... Why am I working? I should be fishing and playing cards instead.

Login to find out (August 16, 2005 at 9:54pm)

Lily: suga-moma is a mature (usually over 40 years old) woman that is rich, single and who really likes younger men (in their 20s). She usually would buy them out with her money (i.e. take them for a trip, buy them expensive gifts... and write them as their main inheritants in case she dies). Sugar-Daddy is the same thing, but it is an older man interested in very very young and pretty ladies.

Login to find out (August 16, 2005 at 3:47pm)

lol! nice one Atabbara! :)

ali, what's a suga-Moma?!!!

Login to find out (August 16, 2005 at 11:05am)

I am just saying that it is the mentality and education that imposes that. What amazes me in the west is that some families are very functionnal with the woman being the main provider and the man being the one staying home and taking care of the children... Aaaakh! Yes I NEED A BREAK DAMN IT! I need a suga-Moma!!!! Is there any available on NAseeb?

Login to find out (August 16, 2005 at 8:04am)

Well, when I look at how my cousins and some of my friends got married, it is not a love engagement, but rather an "arranged" thing. The guy wants to get married, and so he goes to Syria or LEbanon and visits a couple of families who have available ladies. Of course it all depends on the mentality of the guy, but I haven't seen one marrying a woman with more achievements then his. The problem is that, most arabic men tend to be matcho, i.e. "I am the man, I am the king of the house" ... SO, it would be hard for a "king" to be king of a house in which he's not strongest.

Login to find out (August 16, 2005 at 4:42am)

thanks, sura! lol! :) i got a new digital camera and started taking pictures of almost everything!!!!

as for the topic at hand, i agree with ali having women with less education marry at an earlier age. i think this tends to be the normal curve (statistics wise), at least at our communities.

i'll share a personal anecdote with you guys. my mother has a BA in elementary education (like me and my sisters! lol! funny eh?! :)), and she used to teach before getting married and after that until she had 4 kids. and then after the 4 kids in a while my dad wanted her to quit. she did and after some years we became 5, and she didn't go back to work after that. she has been a stay at home mom for so long now, but the advice she gives us, her daughters, and her daughters in law, is never to stop working. she tells us we can take time off until the kids are grown , but never stay at home for good. she sees her colleagues who didn't quit at the time she did, they all got to high positions and now are retired. i must add that my mom always keeps herself updated, but it's still different from a working mother. when one of my freinds tells me that her mother still works i find it weird because i'm not used to my mother working. but i know my sisters are working mothers and it's all going fine! :)

as for the weak vs strong issue, i think , ali, that men today seek working women rather than non-educated non-working ones.

Login to find out (August 16, 2005 at 12:06am)

one more thing: can we really call these women underacheivers? maybe that's what they set out to achieve? if so i'd call them successful...oh and by the way hana i love your new pic:)

Login to find out (August 15, 2005 at 11:19pm)

a few more things: are you talking about the traditional arab marriages? are you considering(and i see this all the time) if the underacheiver doesn't know any better and marries for the sake of getting married then a few years down the road realizes that she had no idea what she got herself into and they both realize they have nothing in common? are we talking quality over quanitity or in this case the speed of marriage?

Login to find out (August 15, 2005 at 10:49pm)

haha that's funny...and true because i do see it....it takes a very mature man to understand that his wife's education is not a reason for her to treat him like he's below her...and a very mature woman to understand that her education doesn't put her above anyone, her husband included...(and the same goes for the husband)i do notice that the over achiever women are more focused on their jobs than their families and that maybe why...ali, i am still not convinced that your education or your accomplishments make you stronger or weaker in someone's eyes? at the end of the day you're human just like everyone else.....and no one has the right to treat you better or worse based on what you've accomplished....its like when you see a street person...you can judge them and think that you are above them or you can thank god because you could've been easily put in their situation...that's off topic i know...

Login to find out (August 15, 2005 at 9:54pm)

Well, there is one thing that intrigues me though... The fact that (I read an article about it... and I noticed it in my own large family) the underachiever women often get married much earlier and easier then highly educated women. I have a cousin who didn't finish highschool, and she got married before the one that had a university degree. The later was desperate for marriage and is still single... (anyone interested?) As if men prefere women who are weaker then them... or the women prefere men that are stronger then them, and the stronger they are, the harder it becomes to them to get married.

Login to find out (August 15, 2005 at 8:21pm)

hana yes i am friends with my little sister...of course she loves it because she now gets to borrow my stuff...just the other day she was a little tiny thing and now she's borrowing my clothes...i think its amazing to watch kids grow...i keep looking at her and thinking no way, that's not the same little thing i remember...no matter how old she'll be i'll always see her as my little sister..i am sure your brothers and sisters think the same way of you:)

Login to find out (August 15, 2005 at 7:17pm)

atabbara you're right we dont' need to prove anything...but a lot of times women go a bit 'brain dead" after a while of staying at home..whether that's because tehy neglect their brains of because they're styaing home i dont' know...i also notice that kids start saying that their mom doesn't know anythign because she's not out there...again i dont' know if that's because the husband treats her that way or because its true or beacause the children are misinformed somehow....who knows maybe some women wouldn't mind staying home ALLL the time..and in the end that's decided by how much your family needs you and if your kids are off at school and you have absolutely nothing to do during the day..then yeah work would be a good idea....

Login to find out (August 15, 2005 at 2:04pm)

so are you suggesting that women get no education because they are not giving anything in return (at least that is the case as you say in SA)?

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