the testimony



as Salamu ?laykum w& RahmatuLL?Hi w& Barak?tuHu



you asked why i became Muslim



let me guess:

you want to know why i

cry



you want to know why i

'm not afraid to die



i was in manhattan 9/11

& i knew it was a lie





but it started way before that:



it started when i was mouthing the songs at church

i refused to/couldn't dance

i felt lonely in crowded rooms:

were they smiling or baring their teeth?

i felt weak: I had dreams that i couldn't run

i woke up paralyzed thousands of times i couldn't breathe i had to use all my

strength just to wiggle a toe or twist my wrist back & forth to come alive before i

suffocated

i cursed everything

i slept with strangers

i ran away

i smoked

i convoluted, I made myself fall in love

i went to sleep as a hiding place

i lied

more than anything i lied



and then what?

then the music stopped, then it restarted

but i wanted it off

then i unplugged the t.v.

then i unplugged my self:

i skipped class to do my own reading

i ran a lap around australia, from Sydney & back through Perth

the less i saw the more i saw:

nature was screaming 'the truth! the truth!'

i watched the world dying- it's still dying- & it's really not that sad

what's sad is that we're dying & we still haven't decided to live

i started to give, & giving don't count 'til it's something you want, or

especially that you need

i quit askin' my Mom for money,

may ALLAH Guide her,

Ameen.



i fought my way back to the top

i was an overgrown college loser

a fiend

then, when i had nowhere to go,

the Brother invited me to the mosque:

they prayed, & i wasn't impressed 'til i stayed:

more colors than any rainbow were sitting on the floor talking, thriving

the Brothers were all offers

& no requests

REAL men, not macho: firm

strong enough to be open



i was always told that GOD was 3

that was something i learned

but never believed

i was tired of my self, i wanted to be free

i wanted to learn, i wanted to see more than glimpses & shadows & mirrors

i wanted a Light 'cuz i'd seen the Truth

but i wanted to see it more clear



when the moment of Truth came

i was prepared

to say l? il?ha ill-ALL?H, Muhammad-r-Ras& #361;l-ALL?H

i say it in smiles & i say it in tears



to summarize

Isl?m is the oasis

everything else is a mirage



Isl?m is a relief, the reality we're all trying to find

everything else you rush to only seems like it is there:

but where's your lover now, your happiness, your money, your PEACE?

they were like water or sand, just slipping your hands



the truth is you can't hide from the truth cuz the truth is all there is









this isn't the full extent of the affair:



i was once at a barbecue in the north beaches with some dudes from cali. we were deciding what meat to buy & i said "can we skip on the pork please?" the one dude gave me a high five and said "are you Muslim too?" i said "no". that was the first time i remember that i had quit pork, though i can't remember actually making the decision. i never ate it since



i remember when i got back to texas, i had this urge to just read The Autobiography of Malcolm X, as told to Alex Haley. i would read it on my lunch breaks & stay up late at night. i even rented the movie & i recommend both



also, in australia, i started sleeping on the floor. i would sleep between two blankets on my hardwood loft



i started fasting in australia too. once, i didn't eat for a whole month from sunrise to sunset for four weeks. maybe those four weeks coincided with Ramad?n, ALL?H Knows Best



i would still go out at night with my friends. girls would stare at me but i would just stare away. i was proud, it made me feel strong



i met Emad Tehrani, a limo driver & student at sydney uni. looking back i realize he was a Muslim, but all i knew then was that he didn't really fit into the life we were trying to live. may ALL?H Guide him, ?meen.



Eddie. i didn't know his name was Muhammad until i saw his ?m?ni passport. he was wild, even dangerous, but he called me 'Brother' the first time he ever met me, and he proved what it meant to be one time & time again. i love him; ALL?H, Guide him to the Straight Path, ?meen.



so, i started that lap around australia with a gym bag of clothes & no cash. i'd had a gun pulled out on me, but honestly i wasn't afraid. i didn't fear dying, i just didn't want to die. i guess i just knew i wasn't gonna die right then. but i realized, at that moment, that i could have died. we all could have. we could all die at any moment. we could all die at the same moment. and i think i thought what a lot of people feel when they die: "This is so inconvenient?

because they're empty & they have everything to lose

Al-Hamdu LiLL?H i'm whole, and I have nothing to lose. 'cause when "Eddie" told me "Brother, you don't even know who you are" i had smoke in my mouth but i knew he was right

i ran away home

i knew he was right because when my Mother saw me for the first time in a year-and-a-half, she didn't smile

and she needn't have

it didn't hurt, it just told the truth