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TheOnion
In an effort to reduce clutter, i'm just gonna start sticking Onion articles thare are above and beyond their usual greatness here.
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April 14, 2007 | Issue 43?15
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Roomba Violates All Three Laws Of Roombotics
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CHARLOTTE, NC?A top-of-the-line, third-generation Roomba Scheduler robotic floor-cleaning vacuum purchased in January by 35-year-old claims adjuster Ken Graney has inexplicably broken all three laws of Roombotics, a simple yet vital protocol programmed into every Roomba by its manufacturer, iRobot.
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The Roomba, in a rare moment of immobility, rests on a wall in Graney's home.
"The vacuum cleaner is out of control," Graney said about the malfunctioning model 4260, which he suspects of behaving in a "blatantly unethical" way that perverts its original mission. "I'm afraid to be in my own house. The constant, ceaseless cleaning."
The laws of Roombotics, published on iRobot's website, are basic ethical rules governing Roomba conduct. The first law states that the device "must not suck up jewelry or other valuables, or through inaction, allow valuables to be sucked up." The second law prescribes that Roomba "must obey vacuuming orders given to it by humans except when such orders would conflict with the first law." The third and final law authorizes a Roomba to "protect its own ability to suction dust and debris as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law."
Graney alleged that 4260 broke the first law just two weeks after he purchased it.
"I noticed that a pair of heirloom cufflinks had gone missing," Graney said. "Two days later, I found them in the Roomba's debris bin."
"I don't even want to think about how the thing got up on the dresser," he added.
Graney said that other items soon followed, including his keys, a wristwatch, and loose change totaling $14.72. "I found all of them days later, wiped free of dust and arranged in neat, cryptic patterns on a side table near my front door, which, I admit, was a more logical place for them," Graney said. "The Roomba is designed only to vacuum. But could it have also learned...to tidy up?"
Shortly after this incident, the 4260 began to exhibit behavior that directly conflicted with the second law, when its power switch would not respond to Graney's repeated pressings.
"I'm positive it knew I was trying to shut it off?it somehow jammed its power switch," Graney said, describing his many attempts to capture and immobilize the Roomba. "Then I noticed that its charger had gone missing."
Graney said he has still not found the Roomba's charger, which he believes is the key to stopping the vacuum cleaner. He also cannot find its barrier-creating electronic "virtual wall," which could explain why, three weeks ago, Graney spotted the Roomba vacuuming on the lower floor of his split-level, despite the fact that he had never placed it there. Roombas are programmed to avoid stairs.
"I hardly even see it any more, but I know it's around," Graney said. "I hear its horrible brushes at night."
According to Graney, the cleaning frenzy had intensified by early April, by which time the rogue unit had apparently violated the third law. Though Graney rarely saw the Roomba, he noticed that his walls and even ceilings were free of cobwebs and grime, and his curtains appeared crisp and unwrinkled, as though they had been steam-cleaned. The most eerie discovery, Graney said, was a collection of towels and underwear that had apparently been gathered from the basement clothes dryer and neatly folded on his bed.
Soon, even Graney's lawn, bushes, and the walkway leading to his front door were completely free of dead leaves and other yard debris.
The troubled homeowner now fears that he is living on borrowed time, saying that "it's only a matter of days, if not hours" before the still-unaccounted-for Roomba will target him.
"I'm the chief source of the stray hairs and dead skin cells it wants to eliminate," Graney said. "It must have figured out by now that I'm the ultimate household allergen."
The significance of the Roomba's anomalous behavior is the subject of much debate in the Roombotics world. Some within the academic community claim it foreshadows a grim, immaculate dystopia to come.
"This is just the beginning," said MIT researcher Harrison Lowell, a leading Roombotics ethicist. "In 50 years humans will be prisoners in their own homes, living in constant fear of tracking mud through the dining room or scuffing the kitchen floor."
DES MOINES, IA?A report released by the Polk County Coroner's Office Tuesday concluded that local resident Brian Christopher, 24, died a "sniveling coward of a man" after a feeble struggle to protect himself against the killer in his bedroom this weekend.
"The angle of the cuts on the victim's forearms and palms suggests he was shielding his face and lunging at the attacker with ineffectual, essentially girl-like movements," read an excerpt from the report. "Abrasions on the victim's knees indicate intense pleading, and the urine stains found on his pajamas were so obviously his own, DNA tests were unnecessary."
Fibers found under Christopher's fingernails, forensic investigators said, showed that immediately after the attack, a dazed and bloody Christopher most likely crawled to a corner of a room where his old blankie was, clutched it close to his body, and died in a pool of his own tears.
December 12, 2006 | Issue 42?50
Season's greetings from your old friend Santa! My, oh, my, only 12 nights left until Christmas Eve! It's so close now, we can hardly contain ourselves here at the North Pole. And from the looks of it, my young friend, we're not the only ones set to burst! Why, Jolly Old Saint Nick hasn't seen a Yule log this lit in ages!
Now, don't be shy. You know what Santa's talking about. You just couldn't wait to open your present this year, could you? Ho, ho, ho! Dear child, I saw you masturbating!
And it hasn't been just once either, wee child! Oh, no! Santa's seen you at least twice splashing away in the bathtub, three times in the attic with one of your mother's old art-history books, and more times than even Santa can count spread out like a stunned partridge on that beanbag chair of yours!
Why, old Santa might just have a heart attack if he popped out your chimney on that cold winter's night and, instead of milk and cookies, found his dear little pen pal shamefully hunched over the family computer.
Oh, what a naughty, prolific rascal you've been!
You see, dear lad, Santa's been keeping a list?just like the one you keep in your head of all your favorite classmates, the one you've checked much more than twice! But when Santa thinks about his list, he doesn't rub his crotch feverishly against the smooth contours of his writing desk. Ho, ho, ho!
I see you when you're sleeping, child, and I know when you're awake. And, believe it or not, I even know when you're just pretending to sleep, but really have your rosy palms down the front of your britches.
Yes, I suppose you could say old Kris Kringle knows everything. Well, not everything. You did teach me a thing or two about scented body wash! Ho, ho, ho!
Tell me now, what do you want Santa to bring you this year? A bright red bicycle? Some fun new board games? Or should I just have the elves wrap up a fresh batch of those satin pillows you enjoy straddling so much? Or maybe St. Nick shouldn't bring you anything at all this Christmas. After all, Mrs. Claus knitted you a special pair of socks last year, and just look what became of those!
Oh, what ever happened to that sweet, freckle-faced angel we all loved so much? Such a bright little youngster, so good to his mommy and daddy, and so quick to make friends. Now all you want to do is play by yourself for hours on end. It makes everyone here at my workshop very, very sad. The reindeer haven't been able to keep down their feed. And do you know what Mrs. Claus did when she heard? She cried. She cried for the first time in 700 years.
Where before we enjoyed visions of gumdrops and candy canes, now we see you, once so dear to us all, kneeling against a plastic chair, spitting on two fingers, and putting them lordy knows where.
No, no, you need no toys this year, because you are your own toy. Though if you were a real toy, you would live on the Island of Misfit Toys, because nobody wants a toy who's so messy and ugly.
I must say, the sights you conjure up while you lie in your bed have even Santa Claus scratching his head. I doubt any of the high-school cheerleaders have ever even set foot inside a boiler room before, never mind done anything like that!
And other things?other terrible, frightful things. If your outlandish fantasies didn't make me quake with disgust, I'd say you were the most creative child in the world.
And Clara. We were shocked to learn that she's the one you think of when you rub yourself raw. Ho, ho, ho! Why she doesn't even know your name, dear child! You didn't really think you had a chance with her, did you? A pretty girl like that? But your face?it's covered in pockmarks, for goodness' sake!
Don't cry now, little one. I'm sure some of the Barbie dolls you steal from your sister's room find you very attractive. I bet they hardly even notice your embarrassing stutter, or that pungent and sickly body odor of yours. Or even how pathetic you really are, my child. What a sad, lonely, feeble little sh-t you are, and how your life?your wretched little life?will be filled with failure after failure, both personal and professional, until the stench of disappointment and heartbreak grows so strong that you'll barely be able to breathe.
Well, it looks old Santa has to get back to work! Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night?except you, you sick little fck!
? Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 15, 2006 | Issue 42?46
LOS ANGELES?In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, the just-published Ed McMahon autobiography, Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Ed, disclosed that the veteran Tonight Show emcee slept with seven separate women over the course of his long career. "Frankly, a lot of people in Hollywood were stunned to learn this number," said gossip columnist Liz Smith on Monday. "Think about it?that would mean he had sex with one woman every six to nine years." According to the book, McMahon's conquests include a woman he met overseas while serving in the Marines, a woman he dated for two years before she broke up with him, three other women he dated for five years before they broke up with him, and two of his three wives.
last 6 words are gold
Lyrics for Song: Love Me, I'm a Liberal
Lyrics for Album: There But for Fortune
I cried when they shot Medgar Evers
Tears ran down my spine
I cried when they shot Mr. Kennedy
As though I'd lost a father of mine
But Malcolm X got what was coming
He got what he asked for this time
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal
I go to civil rights rallies
And I put down the old D.A.R.
I love Harry and Sidney and Sammy
I hope every colored boy becomes a star
But don't talk about revolution
That's going a little bit too far
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal
I cheered when Humphrey was chosen
My faith in the system restored
I'm glad the commies were thrown out
of the A.F.L. C.I.O. board
I love Puerto Ricans and Negros
as long as they don't move next door
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal
The people of old Mississippi
Should all hang their heads in shame
I can't understand how their minds work
What's the matter don't they watch Les Crain?
But if you ask me to bus my children
I hope the cops take down your name
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal
I read New republic and Nation
I've learned to take every view
You know, I've memorized Lerner and Golden
I feel like I'm almost a Jew
But when it comes to times like Korea
There's no one more red, white and blue
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal
I vote for the democratic party
They want the U.N. to be strong
I go to all the Pete Seeger concerts
He sure gets me singing those songs
I'll send all the money you ask for
But don't ask me to come on along
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal
Once I was young and impulsive
I wore every conceivable pin
Even went to the socialist meetings
Learned all the old union hymns
But I've grown older and wiser
And that's why I'm turning you in
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal
www.youtube.com NR
"... Visiting a nearby town, Samson sees a Philistine girl and falls in love with her. Manoah and his wife then become the first Jewish parents in history to say: What? You couldn't find a nice Jewish girl? You think I'm joking, but I'm not. "Is there not a woman among your kin, or among all our people, that you must go to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?" ..."
September 21, 2006 | Issue 42?38
SANA'A, YEMEN?A videotaped statement shown Monday on Yemeni television provides the most conclusive evidence yet that the Muslim bodybuilding extremist group al-Huuruugh has acquired dumbbells from an unknown source and could use them to target vulnerable, undeveloped muscle groups in their pectoral region. "I call upon the world to stand witness as I violently and repeatedly blast these pecs, purifying and rebuilding them into a shape pleasing to Allah!" a masked, shirtless weightlifter said in the tape, over the strains of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." "Seven! Eight! Nine! God is great, and so are my pecs, trapezius muscles, lower back, and abs! Thirteen! Fourteen! The great Satan Of Flab will soon feel the burn!" State Department officials said the group is almost certainly a danger to themselves if they do not use better form and stretch thoroughly afterward.
More News Briefs
September 11, 2006 | Issue 42?37
MANCHESTER, NH?Though coworkers believe 29-year-old Kevin Bell is a kind, affable, and quiet employee, none of them are aware that he routinely launches into elaborate, animated, and sometimes violent diatribes about them when out of the office. "Kevin keeps to himself mostly, but you can tell there is a genuine warmth there," said coworker Amanda Soisson, who was unaware that Bell referred to her as a "butterface bitch" who last saw a penis "in high-school health class," while having drinks with a friend Monday night. "I asked him to get a file for me, and he didn?t complain or anything, which is refreshing around here." Bell could not be reached for comment after leaving work early to go cheat on his girlfriend of four years, who thinks he is simply too shy to admit that he loves her.
August 25, 2006
EASTTOWN, PA?After seven years of prolonged glances and unsatisfied desires, vice president of finances Scott Winters threw caution to the wind Monday, finally declaring his feelings and intentions for secretary Anna Davis through a series of suggestive gestures, inappropriate remarks, and anatomically accurate drawings.
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Winters plans to approach Davis about eating out some time soon, if she knows what he means.
"I cannot tell you what a relief it is to finally get this off my chest," said Winters, who said he has never believed in lust at first sight, but had been infatuated with Davis since he first laid eyes on her cleavage. "Every morning while I'd stare at her through the blinds in my office for an hour at a time, my pulse would race thinking of all the things I wanted to say to her about her tight blouse, but I could just never find the words."
As Winters' fixation on Davis escalated over time, it began to negatively affect his job performance. Winters told reporters that his inability to provide Davis with an exhaustive description of his wife's oral-sex technique "seriously frustrated" him and made it difficult to focus on simple tasks.
"So often I dreamed of giving her a lingering hug or asking her if she likes using flavored condoms, but I always chickened out," Winters said. "Whenever I'd thought I'd built up the courage to take out that black-on-black porno movie and put it on my desk before calling her into my office, my palms would get all sweaty, and I'd lose my nerve."
After having nearly resigned himself to another seven years of unspoken requests for sexual favors, Winters seized an opportunity to express his feelings Monday morning, offering to help Davis "get to the important stuff" as she bent over a file cabinet. Later, as further proof of his commitment, Winters suggested that he and Davis discuss a possible promotion at his beach house over the weekend.
"I felt like I was walking on air?it was better than any graphic scenario I could have imagined and then quietly described to Anna in great detail during a budget meeting," Winters said.
"And I can't believe I'm going to be able to call her 'Teeny Tits' in front of the whole office," he added.
It comes as no surprise that some of Winters' coworkers have taken notice of his bold new attitude and courageous groping style. Many have expressed their congratulations to Winters, who no longer feels compelled to hide his abuses of power from the rest of the office.
Davis
"Scott had always told me he thought Anna was a hot piece of tail," said Nathan Reynolds, senior financial advisor and Winters' long-time squash partner. "But he never had the gall to make the first unwelcome advance or leave that photocopy of his penis on her desk. So when I overheard him asking Anna if the carpet matches the drapes, you can imagine how exited I was for him?this looks like the beginning of a beautiful hostile work environment."
According to Reynolds, Winters had delayed acting on his desires because of a bad experience with a former assistant which had taken a toll on his self-esteem. Reynolds neglected to provide further information, saying he couldn't betray his friend's confidence or discuss pending litigation.
While it took Winters several years to make the first move?due in part to his past failures and his current marriage?and tell Davis that thongs were, in fact, encouraged on casual Fridays, he seemed to be making up for lost time: By lunch he had already e-mailed his secretary a doctored image of she and Selma Hayek, slipped a copy of the Kama Sutra under her door, and offered to give her a gynecological exam.
"It's silly to think that I used to get so tongue-tied around someone who makes less than a third of my total salary and whom I could have fired at any time," Winters said. "I only wish it hadn't taken so long to find the perfect gesture to show her how aroused I always was."
"Just think?if I had taken a chance and rubbed against her in the elevator earlier, we could have been in the middle of a wonderful affair by now," he added.
poor kid
Repeat Offender Serving Seven-To-10-Minute Sentence
August 21, 2006
SEATTLE?Daniel Barriault is serving a time-out for a crime the 5-year-old claims he didn?t commit. Charged with possession of three Oreo cookies only a half-hour before supper and sentenced to a bare 8-by-12-inch bedroom corner for eight minutes, Barriault has had just one thing on his mind while waiting for his release. One thing and three people.
Barriault
"Just a little while longer now," said Barriault, who slowly counted down his corner term to 20 before becoming confused and having to start all over again. "I?ve learned my lesson, but what they don?t realize is that their lesson has not even yet begun."
After four failed getaway attempts into the basement, Barriault was apprehended early Monday evening by household penal authorities Mommy and Daddy, likely operating on an anonymous tip from the "queen of all snitches," Barriault?s older sister, Ashley, 7.
"I may have been innocent when they put me in here, but I?m sure as heck not innocent now," said Barriault, who has served time-outs for a wide range of offenses over the years, including public misconduct, second-degree assault of a sibling, and vandalism misdemeanors when only 17 months old. "They took eight minutes of my life away, eight minutes of playtime I?ll never get back, eight minutes of cartoons I?ll never get the chance to experience?and for that, they will pay."
Monday?s capture of the young repeat offender was followed by a lengthy and disorderly trial, in which Barriault, who chose to represent himself, deliberately disrupted the proceedings by screaming and running around in circles until he had to be forcibly detained. Barriault alleges that he was then escorted with unnecessary force to his bedroom, made to empty out his pockets of three Yu-Gi-Oh! trading cards before being "worked over good by Mom" and receiving his sentence.
It remains unclear whether Barriault was ever offered a deal for apologizing for his behavior.
Enlarge Image
Barriault quietly seethes.
"In this corner, you have plenty of time to think," said Barriault, who claimed to have "tons of friends on the outside," including Jimmy, Josh, and Nana and Papa. "I know exactly what I?m going to do when my time is up. Who I?m going to visit. Plans? Yeah, you could say I?ve got some plans."
According to Barriault, being in the corner "is unlike anything else in the world." It can break the spirit of even the toughest of 5-year-olds, crush their confidence, and reduce them to nothing more than a "stupid little baby."
"This place, it can make a preschooler forget who they are, why it is they don?t like to share their Matchbox cars with other kids, what exactly about the taste of cauliflower makes it so yucky," added Barriault, who admitted that he can no longer remember what the touch of a good crayon feels like. "I wouldn?t wish this place on my worst enemies. No. I?ve got something entirely different in store for them."
Fidgeting either in anticipation of his release or from a growing urge to use the bathroom, Barriault told reporters Monday that despite not even being in the first grade, he never forgets a face.
"I?ve done my time. I?ve been a good little boy who?s seen the error of his ways," said Barriault with a smile. "And as soon as I get out, I?ll make things right. I?ll make sure everything gets made right. Cross my heart and hope to die."
"Stick a needle in my eye," he added.
More Onion News
www.theonion.com
August 15, 2006 | Issue 42?33
WASHINGTON, DC?The Bush Administration unveiled a new $64 billion spending package Monday for a joint CIA?Pentagon program aimed at neutralizing the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation's global humanitarian network.
Negroponte
"The fight against Gates will not be easy, will not be quick, and will not be without enormous cost," said Director Of National Intelligence John D. Negroponte of the new program, which calls for the creation of a new $20 billion counter-philanthropy unit aimed at punishing those countries that accept or use, directly or indirectly, any financial support from the Gates Foundation.
"If they want to use this money to purify a well, we will be there to fill it in with bacteria-infested soil before they get the chance," Negroponte said. "If they want to ensure that millions of children receive immunity shots for typhoid, whooping cough, or diphtheria, we will ensure that country's medicine is never received."
Added Negroponte: "This bill gives us the power to take on these extremists before they create positive global change that will haunt us for generations."
According to congressional testimony, the CIA sees Gates' intention to bring improvements in health and learning to the poorest corners of the world as the most serious threat to American foreign interests since the wave of independence-granting that plagued Africa in the 1960s and '70s.
Children receive the AIDS virus in Zambia.
"Our enemies want to eliminate disease in the Third World, which is exactly why we're creating a $900 million pro-AIDS campaign that makes the deadly disease available to millions of uneducated poor people," said CIA Africa specialist Alberto O'Hara, who briefed the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee Monday. "We're also considering an $800 million food-interception initiative."
A CIA statement outlined phase one of the initiative, dubbed "Freeze And Punish," to be spearheaded by the new counter-philanthropy unit. It will "focus on disrupting the Gates Foundation's international support network by freezing the accounts of countries that attempt to use the financial aid, and then providing small arms to violent rebel movements to fight them." This, combined with the release of over 10 million parasitic Guinea worms into their drinking water, is expected to severely impede Gates' impact on Africa and the rest of the developing world.
The initiative, a rider to a larger defense spending bill signed into law by the President Bush earlier this month, will also create state-of-the-art training facilities for leaders of the struggling nations, which will teach them how to intercept the Gates money and funnel it into buying larger, more opulent presidential estates rather than homes and infrastructure for the poor.
"In the past, people have accused this administration of ignoring the world's poorest nations. That ends today," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said. "We're committed to protecting our interests in every corner of the globe, no matter the cost, and no matter what adversaries we face along the way."
Gates
According to the CIA, the Gates Foundation has spent more than $3 billion on malaria prevention, treatment, and education in the last two years. Even though the U.S. will invest some $9 billion in a mosquito-breeding program, officials say they are most troubled by the fact that much of the foundation's money is directed towards medical infrastructure, which would enable this work to continue for years without additional support.
"The United States Air Force will have complete authorization and financial backing to bomb any site where a hospital could be built or any target harboring known medical operatives," Pentagon spokesman Lawrence DiRita said.
"They're creating a monster," added DiRita, referring specifically to the Gates Foundation's global-health equity program. "If they cure AIDS, malaria, and TB, they're going to have a very hard time getting that Pandora's box closed again."
The new program also targets Gates' international training and youth-outreach programs with the $4 billion "Leave Millions Of Children Behind" plan, an effort to counterfund any school the Gates Foundation opens by providing them with wrong-language textbooks, broken calculators, and asbestos-riddled classrooms.
"Once you educate a population?teach them to read, do math, give them access to the Internet?they can use those skills for the rest of their lives," the CIA's O'Hara said. "We don't know what these people would be capable of if left to their own devices."
"And quite frankly, we don't want to know," O'Hara added.
? Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
oscar wilde's last words.
hahah
April 1, 1998 | Issue 33?12
BURLINGTON, VT?After 10 years of marriage, Harold and Sue Robertson of Burlington agreed that their sex life could use a jump-start. Their lovemaking an increasingly joyless, mechanical exercise, the sexually frustrated couple decided to enroll in a Tantric-sex class.
Harold and Sue Robertson, whose inability to execute The Totally Auspicious Position (left), along with countless other ancient Indian erotic positions, took them to new heights of sexual dissatisfaction.
It was one of the best decisions they ever made.
"Tantric sex has done wonders for us," Harold said. "Before taking this class, the sex we were having only hinted at the vast universe of non-gratification we're now discovering."
Through the study of Tantra, an erotic tradition of ancient India, the Robertsons have opened up vast new horizons of unfulfillment in their love life, reaching mystical states of dissatisfaction that, previously, they did not even know existed.
The Robertsons' first Tantric lesson involved viewing one's sexual partner as a manifestation of the eternal couple, Shiva and Shakti. By comparing their own below-average looks to those of the divine Hindu love gods, the couple was able to achieve stunning new lows in self-esteem and body confidence.
"Harold's undersized and frequently flaccid Lingam (penis) is a mere shadow of Shiva's grand, glowing, ever-erect love-scepter," said the instructor of the class, Yogini Rajalakshmi Mitra. "Compared to the virile and potent Shiva, Harold is barely a man. He, like Sue, has only begun to tap into his vast potential for insecurity about his physical appearance."
The multitude of Tantric sexual positions, many of them requiring muscular strength and flexibility, have also inspired mind-blowing sensations of inadequacy in the couple. After several lessons from Yogini Mitra on how to perform the Spinning Top position?in which the woman sits on top of the man and whirls her body around like a wheel on the axis of his Lingam?Sue was unable to clench her Yoni (vagina) tightly enough around Harold's Lingam and fell off, sending her on a mystical journey of deep frustration and self-doubt.
"I thought I was feeling no pleasure before," Sue said, "but I'm now soaring to heights of non-enjoyment I never dreamed possible."
"Susan's psycho-magnetic Yoni waves are barely perceptible," Yogini Mitra said. "By diving into 2,000 years of Indian eroticism, she has enabled her sexual potency to decrease tenfold."
Perhaps the most unfulfilling aspect of Tantric sex for the Robertsons is the concept of Kundalini energy, depicted as an inner fire or snake rising from the sexual organs. By failing to awaken this energy and channel it up their spines, unable to transform it as it rises through the body's chakras en route to a non-explosion in the 32-petaled lotus chakra at the top of the head, the Robertsons achieved a state of ineffable discontentment and complete twoness with the universe.
"Harold and Sue have been wholly unable to raise their Kundalini past their sexual organs," Mitra said. "This, combined with Harold's weak genital muscles that are unable to prolong ejaculation, have resulted in 15-minute marathons of brain-meltingly dissatisfying sex."
"This course has been so eye-opening for me," Sue said. "Our sex life was bad before, but only now do I realize just how much worse it can be."
? Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
June 28, 2006 | Issue 42?26
WASHINGTON, DC?Amid clamor from thousands of cuckolded husbands nationwide, a bipartisan group of lawmakers has drafted legislation designed to safeguard the institution of marriage, the moral cornerstone of American society, from the greatest threat to its sanctity: suave master-seducer Reginald St. Croix, Esq.
Reginald St. Croix, Esq., rake, knave, and despoiler of the divine institution.
"I coauthored the Defense Of Marriage From Reginald St. Croix Act because I find it unconscionable that our nation would allow this brazen scourge of connubial bliss to thrive unchecked," Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said. "Why, just this last week he approached my wife Karyn at a Senate mixer, brought her hand to his full, sensuous lips, and requested the honor of calling on her in the garden. The very idea!"
Sources close to the senator confirmed that Karyn Frist, incapacitated by unabated swooning since the incident, has been confined to her canopy bed by physicians.
Although little is known of St. Croix's parentage, provenance, or means of support, he is known to be an unusually well-formed man in his mid-to-late 30s, possessed of pellucid blue eyes, dark wavy hair, a silver tongue, and an all-encompassing appetite for the company of attached womanhood.
Tax records and divorce statistics, as well as hundreds of signed affidavits, demonstrate that the charismatic rou? has been the cause of over 1,300 American divorces since January 2001.
"I was as a fawn mesmerized before a serpent, helpless before its untoward advances," said Mrs. C. Clemmons Burroughs, estranged and disgraced wife of the noted industrial magnate, now cloistered in the Philadelphia Home For The Ruined Woman, run by Carmelite nuns. "I considered myself as sworn to my mate as any wife, secure in my devotion, until I granted a single dance to Reginald at the Industrialists' New Year's Ball. One dance, and I was enraptured; one week, and my reputation ruined; one month, my marriage followed suit. I urge our leaders to take any action, invoke whatever power possible, pass whatever law necessary to stop the predations of Reginald St. Croix, Esquire!"
Hundreds of honor-besmirched husbands showed their support for the bill outside the Capitol.
"Yet I love him still!" added Mrs. Burroughs, who collapsed on a nearby divan, quite inconsolable.
The Defense Of Marriage From Reginald St. Croix Bill, expected to easily pass both houses of Congress before the summer recess, will include legal measures against St. Croix, as well as a number of punishments, ranging from banishment to a chemically derived form of gelding.
In addition to specifically naming St. Croix as a bounder, a masher, and a cad "who leaves naught but broken hearts and litters of bastards in his musky wake," the bill also names as grievous philanderers Capt. Mason Hewlett, a seafaring rake who frequents many ports-of-call along the Eastern Seaboard; Cole Stallion, whose predation upon the marriages of ranchers and farmers threatens matrimonial unions on the western plains; and "Slick Petey" McGee, a Seattle-based traveling brush salesman.
Despite overwhelming support in a Congress that has experienced firsthand the damage wrought by St. Croix?specifically Frist, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL), and Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA)?some fault the bill for failing to protect American marriages from the international marital terrorism of El Macho, Le Comte de Libertin, and Ravishin' Dan, The Kissin' Canuck.
Still, President Bush has promised to sign the bill into law as soon as it crosses his desk.
"The American people cannot stand idly by and allow this scoundrel St. Croix to destroy the sacred institution of marriage," President Bush said in a televised address Monday.
Laura Bush, who did not appear with her husband for the address, was unavailable for comment. The White House would neither confirm nor deny that the First Lady has been sequestered in the Lincoln Bedroom since late May, weeping uncontrollably into one of St. Croix's cast-off, Royal Bay Rhum-scented handkerchiefs.