I'm not disagreeing with anyone. You are right and I know I am right too. It just depends on individuals.
All I am saying is that you can either arrange a love marriage and love your arranged marriage. You can have it both ways and that works the best.
I am currently in a situation where my parents are desperate to get me married. They will pick the girl for me. I'll get to know her. And then we'll marry.
Even if I dont get to know her whole lot, I'll still be comfortable. Thats just how I am.
And in the meanwhile, if I find a girl, I'll introduce her to my parents and we'll arrange the marriage.
My point is that thinking that arranged marriage will be a failure just because you didn't pick the girl is not the right thinking.
I've been in situations and beleive me, parents are almost always right. You might not agree with them at the time, but they are usually right.

Why do parents do that? Is it just that they wanna control your life or is it because they are concerned about your future? And regarding your last comment, going with your parents choice doesn't mean you cannot think for yourself. Its just that the thinking is a little different.
Whenever I feel like disagreeing with my parents, I think of the days when I couldn't even clean my self and my Mom was there for me. My parents worked all their life to give me good life. I dont remember of a thing that I asked my parents and they didn't provide it. This is the least I can do to make them happy.
And dont even start with what is Islamic and what is not. Whenever its in your favor, you shout Islam. And when its not, you just avoid it. Just find out what are the parent's rights in Islam.
If I have to give my life for my parents, I'll do it without even thinking twice. Marrying someone of their choice is not a big deal at all.

I'm sorry but the low divorce rate in our 'beloved culture' has more to do with the fear of what other people might say then anything else! Don't for a second think desis are any better then any other society. Marrying anyone for your parent's sake whether you have already have found someone on your own whom you love or not is very very stupid. Yeah you might get lucky and maybe your parents are God after all and can read any ones mind and tell you by just looking at them (which is usually the case) how wonderfully 'perfect' that person they found for you is..but highly unlikely.

For the most part our parents have been blindly following the same bloody stupidity they learned
from their parents and so on..and this has been going on for generations. Love is not brainwashing your kids into doing everything you want nor is it using all kinds of emotional blackmail and threatening to disown or kill you if you don't.

I've heard and seen way too many horror stories about controlling parents and forced marriages. These things are totally against Islam. Your parents do not come before God nor what is right.You honestly think you could just love anybody just cause your parents say so? That's making a big assumption that everyone's compatible ..which we are not.

Most of the marriages I've seen in the desi community especially growing up turned out to be a lie anyhow. Almost all of them were abusive yet they all hid it so well. You put two people together by force, they could be the nicest people, but if they are not right for each other they are gonna spend the rest of their lives resenting and eventually hating each other. Besides one day your parents will die....then what?

Have the guts to take responsibility for your own life. If you haven't the courage to even do that much you really have no business getting married to begin with. How could you possibly raise a family if you cannot even think for yourself!?

I agree with OK.. You could always find another "love".. you will never find another set of parents..

Not always. I've seen cases where they haven't.

The "others" we are talking about here are our parents. Also, I agree there are chances that they may come around, but do you think it is easy to take chances with your family?

This is just sad and I'm glad things are changing.

awww..thats so sad that she actually gave up her love for her parents who are not understanding where she is coming from?? where are her parents from? Thats just plain stupid to turn down someone who can be so good for your kid. Sometimes I just dont understand why parents put such restrictions on their kids like that. The more restrictions you have, the more the kids would rebel. Luckily this friend of yours did not run away and get married. Did you or any of her friends or relatives try to talk to her parents??

Times are changing gradually but there arersome people who will never change, like in your friend's situation. I know this girl in my community, she married a great guy who wasnt been accepted by her family. Her mom was some what okay about it but her extended family was really upset. They didnt even come to her wedding and they still havent talked to her in a year. She is due anytime with a baby, and even now, they are still not talking to her. How sad is that??

Luckily, my parents are very understanding in situations like this. They know we have to live this life and have to figure out things for ourselves. Obviously you are not going to bring a loser home either. Thats just standard!! Even if my parents did disagree with what I was doing, then thats just too bad.

Oh nooo. She really loved him. And she still does. Guess she just lacks the courage to stand up for her choice. I agree its very sad. I hope you are right about the times changing. I never understood her parent's point of view though. Her dad didn't even wanna know the name of the guy let alone knowing the guy. And all because it was her pick. Thats just plain stupid.

oops..my bad, I just read the part about the girl leaving the guy for her parents...WOW..
maybe she never loved him!! thats just sad...

I am lucky in this sense, my parents are very supportive of us finding someone on our own. My parents had a love marriage, my grandparents had a love married, my brothers had love marriages, my cousins, uncles, aunts have all had love marriages. Yes my parents want us to marry muslims and we all prefer that too. if not, then the kids must be Muslim.

But if you are in a situation like this, you should get some other family members involved who can help your parents understand. Usually parents come around and accept it. Help your parents understand that you are very HAPPY and you want to spend your life with them. If your parents do not come around to that, then you have to do what you have to do. It is your life after all and you have to live your life.

I think times have changed, and parents are more understanding than they were before. If your parents do not have any good reason for you to marry this guy, than thats just plain silly. Its already hard to find good men and women...maybe you can have your boyfriend meet your parents a few times and see if your parents will change their mind.

I am sure they will get over it!! Besides its your happiness...which parent would not want that??

Nice suggestion Ahmed. This was the best solution I could think of as well. By the way, this is not my situation. A friend of mine was in this situation and I was asked for an advice. We did get a couple of elders involved but no vain. Eventually, she left the guy for her parents.

I would suggest involving other people you trust to convince your parents -- an uncle, an aunt, a sister, a brother, a friend of the family, some other mutually trustworthy person from your circle. This is assuming (as you said) that your parents disagree "for no good reason". In this case, it could be real hard to convince your love, since there is no good reason.

If there is a good reason, try the same process with your love. Thinking about this, why fall in love in the first place if there is a good reason not to marry the person? (This should probably be a thread of its own.)

RNR:Living our lives as a family is one of the greatest cultural values in us. It not only has great social benefits but also has great psycological benfits as well. We do live "our lives" and our parents are part of our lives, a big part. I agree that this question is only in the desi culture, a rich culture if I may add. This is one of the many causes that desis have such a low divorce rate. Desis live in a collective society as oppose to individualistic society. We put feelings first. We are emotional people. We care.

That's a scary scenario right there.. I would say, if the have no good reason, then I would go ahead with the marriage. But on the other hand if they do prove to you why its wrong, then I would respect their decision over everything else. Asra also makes a very beautiful point.

I would choose my parents. My theory is that I can always find another "love" - but I will never find another set of parents - the people who raised you, cared for you, and made you who you are today.

I freakin hate this issue. Personally because it has happend to me...i am not rich therefore i couldnt marry the guy i liked...i mean whatever...i dont care now...but...the issue still sucks. IF you really feel you wouldnt be happier with anyone else...marry the girl. Its so hard finding someone you want to marry...dont let environmental influences get in the way. Whats the worst that could happen? they stop talking to you? they dont support it? they dont pay for the wedding? ah bah! convince them afterwards that they will be losing a son and you a mother and they a grandchild if they act that way. Learn to live with out anyones support. And pay for your own damn wedding. in the end...the girl will feel she isnt worth it if you say no to her. is that what you want? and moms dont like girls in general for their boys...no one will be good enough...so why do this to the girl you love...marry her

Thanks for the best wishes. I know at least one person who took the risk of marrying the person she liked and thought her parents will be ok once they see them happy. Although the couple is very happy, the parents still aren't and its been years.
By the way, no one is touching the topic of how to convince the other party (if I may call it the victim party).

wow its a tough sitution.
First of all if ure parents have a legit reason for not accepeting the person then i'll understand thier point of view, however, if thier denyin him for some lame reason then I would get marry and eventually once ure married down the road parents give up once they see u happy, afterall they do want to see thier kids happy.
U know i have came across so many who actually got married to the person thier parents wish for. They made thier parents happy but wat about them, are they happy? I doubt dat.
Thank god my family is not like dat. My best wishes r with u

thankfully i dont have that problem...my mother is very supportive of me....

and if by any chance my mother doesnt approve i will do the best to make both of them happy