Part II: WHY IT AIN EASY RESPECTING GUYS

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Part II: WHY IT AIN EASY RESPECTING GUYS

HAHA. Ok so this is the flip side of the other entry. I usually write strategically for specific audiences, and don?t know if this is the right audience, but I?m writing it here anyway to help explain the other entry.

Soooo ... one thing I?ve always wondered is why soooo many guys want a girl who?s ?lower? than them in just about everything, EXCEPT looks. The girl can?t be more educated or overtly intelligent than them, or as old/worldly as them, or more financially able, or taller or stronger, etc etc etc. Well, some time ago, I realized that these guys are panzy bit*hes. They feel like their manhood is being compromised if the girl is ?better? at something or has more of something. If they were secure enough in themselves and in their manhood, they wouldn?t think that their manhood would be compromised by such petty things, if by anything.

Here?s the problem: any guy thinking that a girl should be ?not as good? as he is will ALWAYS try to play the power game with the girl. He?ll try to do lots of things throughout the course of the marriage to feel, and show himself as, better than the girl, even if only subtly or perhaps even deviously. A dirty power game for life. If he doesn?t have the top hand, he?ll feel emasculated, both physically and psychologically. And THAT brings o so many problems into the relationship, as you can imagine.

For those girls who are ok with a guy overtly or subtly wanting this upper hand, they?re in for a hella power struggle over the course of several decades. The problem is that it?s difficult if not impossible to change this in guys UNLESS girls start demanding equality with men. I don?t mean verbally demanding equality: verbal yesses don?t mean jack. I mean demanding equality in the structure of the relationship, in the distribution of labor, responsibilities, and actions. And this demand MUST be made known from the get-go. In fact, little boys and girls should be raised with these things in mind (so do something about your little brothers and sisters!!).

What does this ?equality? mean? I?ve done a 360 on this over the last twelve years. For a while, I thought that equality could come simply from ?giving more respect? to the division of responsibilities, even if girls and guys don?t do the same things. In theory that sounds good. But in reality, things are different. So I find myself wrong about that at this moment. It kinda IS about the ability to do the SAME things as men do. Why? Cuz over centuries we have embedded a hierarchy of values in acts we do ? such as ?earning,? and ?providing? as opposed to ?home-making,? etc. This hierarchy is too deeply engrained in us to just look the other way from it. Again, in theory, ?giving respect? sounds great; but in reality, in this historical moment, ?looking away? isn?t easy, if at all possible. Girls have GOT to try to do the same things or have same powers as men do. In earning, for example, I?m not at all saying ?go find some office employment?; I?m saying ?do something that would perhaps put you on par with the man." And make him take care of the kids too: shouldn?t he also have memories of raising them??? Lots more to the level of implementation, but you get what I?m saying. For whoever doesn?t implement this, I unfortunately foresee a much harder life than otherwise.

I hate to say it, but life decisions aren?t about trying to find ?the best? of something; rather, they?re about finding what will produce the best result. VERY different! These two objectives too often conflict. Think about it. We must be careful what we wish for, and we MUST be thoughtful in creating next generations that avoid the pitfalls we have faced.

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Wow, I?m impressed. I know life is hard but life is all-full of obstacles we must face at all cost; But not the cost of our unborn children. That?s true we must think about them when we're making decisions. I always do. Life is not about winning or losing it?s appreciating every moment and thanking Allah for a decent lifestyle.

wassup salaam errbody. i've been mia lately. this entry is still alive? o man there're lotsa comments here. lol, i'm too lazy to respond to them all and i don't wanna respond to just one or two. let's kill this entry.

i agree partly that there's nothing wrong with the distribution of roles--with hubby as bread winner, and wife as caretaker, that there are burdens and responsibilities that come with both..but i do think that that particular model is not so well suited for today's world--there's alot of job insecurity out there, and being a bread winner is lots of responsibility for one person..splitting up the burden relieves the hubby of stress that no individual should have to bear alone (the responsibility of feeding and clothing a household, in the insecure modern world)and the wife gains in being able to have a firsthand knowledge of the types of stresses, and challenges her family will face--her skills, knowledge, and advice are kept relevant...on the other hand, there's also a cost to having the wife be the only caretaker--the emotional distance children may feel towards their fathers will undoubtedly have an affect on the family unit and its cohesiveness..once children grow older, a mother may feel alienated from her children, and especially from her sons, b/c she won't be able to offer them relevant advice to cope with obstacles that lie ahead for them..additionally, once children get older, and a wife is left to take care of the home alone, she may feel stifled, find little avenue for intellectual expansion within the home, and feel alienated from the rest of society... --I don't judge the people that have decided on the particular paths they have now, and they've undoubtedly sacrificed, and done amazing things with those roles..but I do have to make a choice for myself about how i want to live my life, and the types of roles i want to take--in making that personal decision, i don't think i could choose to be the sole caretaker of the household, and have my husband be the sole breadwinner, and the above reasons I've given is why i would avoid that distribution of roles..

Being a supportive partner, one who is attempting to cultivate equality within a relationship, is going to produce confusing power struggles. I understand why then many of us choose the well-travelled road, where one person gets to control and the other accepts that control. I do not believe that those who travel along this road are the selfish and heartless. Each partner is given duties and responsibilities, and with them both relief and burden.

sam don't feel ignored. i always read your comments--and read the short ones as well as the long. :)

YoyoMomo- I have to say that I disagree with you - I don't think that women have to do everything that men do. They don't even have to come close. I think women have to have meaningful choice, which can only occur when they have supportive partners who respect their right to choose their life paths. Men have to respect and I mean REALLY respect women's work, whether they are taking care of children, or whether they are working in an office. This only occur when you have a relationship that is based on each partner recognizing the other's agency and individuality. Further, if your relationship is about nothing more than power struggles and having to demand equality, then you should probaby get out of that realtionship. Marriages are based on love and mutual understanding and if your partner doesn't want for you what he would want for himself, you are going to be unhappy. Both people in a marriage have to learn to be selfless, and the hard part for women, who are eager to make sacrifices for a relationship, is to find someone who would be willing to do the same.

lol....so I just read MPG comments...and she used one word to basically say What I said in a million, "insecurity".....its funny, I"ll always read the shortest comments. I"m guessing if everyone else is the same, no one must read my comments...damn, that's why I feel like I"m ignored most of the time ;)

I have found that the mentality of wanting a girl to 'be less than themselves" is so strongly engrained in the minds of most pakistani men, especially those who were raised mostly in Pakistan. When I was in Pakistan, and also in England, without fail, anytime I met a guy for the first time, the first thing he would do is stand up taller (one guy was stretching his neck so far up I thought his head was going to fall off his body) and then they look at my feet to make sure I'm not wearing heels, and then they ask, "so how tall are you, you look taller than you really are because your thin....you can't be THAT tall". And then when they ask me what my interests are and I tell them I like to play sports, especially tennis..they automatically laugh at my face and say, "I can beat you". If I then ask them if they EVEN play tennis......two thirds of the time the answer is NO, but yet they still think they can beat me. I've had guys try to mock my intelligence, question EVERYthing I say, constantly try to put me down, all so they can feel superior. The most funniest part is when these loser guys actually want to marry you then.....its like they are going to put you down, insult you, and then they expect you to actually like the....WTH?!?! ANyways...I totally agree with Anon's last comment, marriage should be a partnership where the two parties compliment each other and bring different strenghts to the table......its shouldn't be a competition or an attempt to 'be equal' at all times.........

as for those already in relationships, i've heard of research by german psychologists that suggests when asking for a partner to change something...a certain behavior or habbit, an idea or thought on something, etc, ... one should begin with 5 compliments and then bring up the "diss." such a ratio b/w compliments and criticism allows the criticized partner to feel secure about the relationship. but, i don't know if u're supposed to wait until AFTER you've given the 5 compliments b/c then the partner will focus on the criticism since you mentioned it last...maybe insert the diss b/w the compliments....hahaha this psychobabble is a real joke sometimes.

maybe, the school systems need to start encouraging young boys to enroll in home economics and culinary arts and girls in electronics or auto repair classes...maybe ABC needs to come up w/ a show called "Desperate Soccer Dads" to balance the mass appeal of "Desperate Housewives"....

I don't think there is a quick solution to this dilemma. alot of our expectations of who and what we "should be" are programmed within us during our formative years. to challenge those expectations effectively requires a major overhaul of their ideologies, which many men and women are VERY reluctant to do in their 20's and 30's. only until their mid-life crisis do folks really begin to question their beliefs, wants, needs, etc...i am not saying there is NO solution, but rather that the openness to the shift/balance in gender roles needs to come from within an individual. you and i and everyone else in this forum can spend hours creating propaganda to "enlighten" people that the causes of rising divorce rates and spinsterhood all relate to the inability of both men and women to be more flexible and compromising. but real change will only come with time through trial and error and learning from the mistakes of our slightly older peers.

Tahiro, i just shared all o' that as a joke. it was only intended in good humor. even though i am a woman, i was laughing at the crass-ness of it all. but i can say i have come across a couple of ignorant, chauvinist men who think it even though they may not verbalize it. as for the fragile ego of the male species........sigh.....where do i begin? as Effie describes in her comments, i think one effective strategy is for the woman to "play dumb" or at least trick herself into thinking she is dumb. but that would mean one would have to walk on eggshells for the rest of her life as she would be engaged in a game of constant trickery and manipulation.

Effie, well-said. i think traditionally, we have known women and men to be complementary. however, this new shift to male-female equality is still unchartered territory that we are still trying to map out........maybe the problem is that each couple needs to realize that they have to draw their own, personal map rather than rely on the models that society at large advocates. i think the same can be said about our individual existence. we all have compared ourselves to the status quo at some point in time in our lives. "i'm too fat, too short, not successful enough, am 2X yrs old and still have not done this or that.." whatever happened to seeing ourselves as individuals rather than bench-marked products?

in a sense i think ur right anon--that it's just a matter of task distribution...as long as someone's ego doesn't get caught up in taking on a particular role..or others don't 'shame' men/women for not partaking in their particular role..ex. when a woman works--peeps insinuate that she's not a good mother or wife..and if a husband doesn't work peeps insinuate that a husband is a lazy ass..--also, i do think that as women b/come more proficient in 'outside home' stuff, there is a shifting of power, in the sense that a man can't take advantage of a woman's ignorance of the outside world to deprecate her, or keep her in her 'place'..at least i think that's the problem the 'transition generation' has faced in adjusting to women joining the workforce..

Manas, what do u think might cause the fragile pride we see in men? Is there something we can do and say to assuage their fear? I certainly believe that something can be done. I should also add that asking 18-year olds what men want is like asking a toddler what he wants out of college.

I think this is overblown. If two people are going to live together, they have to divide the work. There is no point in both being average cooks. Or both average handy-men. OF course either could do either. But, why not have 1 really good cook and 1 really good handyman. It's pragmatic, its not about inequality.

i think there is something funny about the roles that are 'programmed into us'--'programmed' in the sense, that this is how we've seen our family operate--i would say that in my family my mom IS the primary breadwinner, and my dad is the secondary, but the funny thing is that we never acknowledge that in the family..--this is partly b/c my mom and dad's roles have switched up..at one point it WAS my dad that was the primary breadwinner..back then, my mom was a homemaker, and later on, my mom was a secondary breadwinner--..i'd say that in the transition..my mom has kept her 'secondary' status in the relationship..in the sense that my dad still likes to say that he's more capable than my mom at certain 'male' things..and say things like, 'oh she probably doesn't know what's goin on' regarding 'outside of the house' type of activities..and my mom, doesn't mind my dad comments, in the sense that she herself says 'oh i don't really know anything..etc'..and sometimes i'v found myself, just automatically taking a secondary role in my relationships (friendships etc)..or making sure not to really emphasize my accomplishments, in male-female settings--for instance, there are things that i admit im not great at..ex would be getting directions, remembering my way around places, etc. and i'll let people emphasize those features about me, and i'll emphasize them about myself, so that i can take a secondary role in a relationship...i don't know if im being coompletely clear--it's sort of like, whenever anything comes up that's sort of a man's job to do--for instance, assembling a desk--and i know im capable of doing it..if someone says, oh u have no idea what you're doing, let me do it...even if i know they're wrong in the way they're assembling the desk, i'll let them attempt it..i'll let them tell me that i don't know how to assemble the desk--i'll even believe them..and then if they give up, i'll decide to do it myself, and realize that i was fully capable of assembling the desk all along..its not that i shirk responsibilities, or want someone else to do my work--but if someone challenges my ability to properly do something..and it's typically a 'man's job' type thing..i'll back down easily..and i find this funny about myself (and i didnt even realize i would do it, until recently)..and i wonder if its a mimicking of what i see in my parent's relationship, or what..so i do think to some extent, there's a sort of 'programming' in us, of what our responsibilities, and our 'place' is in a relationship..and there really has to be a conscious sense of re-valuing or re-delegating roles in a relationship before i think we can really address inequality in relationships..

I was infuriated by this point, so I asked, "why not bring some ho' off the streets?!" and they answered, "#1!" you see, guys are very simple creatures. i think we, women give them too much credit. agreed?

I asked them, what they would do if their wives, complied w/ all 3, but were stupid bimbos who couldn't carry a conversation and embarrassed them in front of their friends (aka the Jessica Simpson breed), and they answered "#3!" Then, I asked them, what they would do if she was boring, and they answered "#2!"

A while back, I came across 2 very honest 18-year-olds. I asked them what is it that men look for in a wife, and they answered, "3 things: 1) FEED ME 2) F#%K ME and 3) SHUT THE F#%K UP!"

Village Journals Resonate your identity with Naseeb journals. Express your opinions, share your thoughts, post your writings and connect with like minded people through the power of expression.

Part II: WHY IT AIN EASY RESPECTING GUYS

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Village Journals

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